


Prisoner's Dilemma

by Littlegraycells



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: F/F, Kokichi being a sh!t, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-05-27 11:15:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15023369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlegraycells/pseuds/Littlegraycells
Summary: “There’s no other reasonable explanation. I… I think we’re in a prison.”“Fuck, I was hopin’ you wouldn’t say that."Sixteen Ultimates wake up imprisoned, amnesiac, and handcuffed. Their warden says that they are serving sentences for their crimes, but will be released if they agree to rehabilitate and prove they have the skills to reenter society. So why does that include participating in a Killing Game?Danganronpa V3 Crime/Prison AU.





	1. Prologue: Awakening

**C... O... N... N... E... C... T... I... N... G...**

 

**C O N N E C T I N G . . .**

 

**CONNECTING…**

 

**SECURE TUNNEL**

 

#####

 

_haaaaiiii~_

 

##########?

 

 _followin your building spex like we said we wud, but only the basix are functional, eeeeeeeverythin else_ _is still under constructoin_

 

###### ## ########   ######## ######## ####

 

_movem in now??? pushy pushy someon’s in a rush. construction can be dangrous u know, they imght get themselves killed wit the bots stomping around XP splat noises_

 

######   ####### ##### ######

 

_ha if u think so its ther funeral_

 

############ ### ######### ####

 

_its funny ou mention that, theyre already zipped up an on the way!!!!_

 

##

 

_yea i knew yood be antsy so i gottem earlier. everythin’s gud 2 go!!!_

 

############ ####

 

_amlost, 15 down 1 <\-- _

 

###### #

 

* **knock knock knock***

 

...

 

_arncha gonna answer ti B)_

 

...

 

###### #  ###### ### #####

 

_mmph, waitin on baitd breathe. make sur to get us some gud footage will u, hte internet just isnt enough for som of us. and remember_

 

**DISCONNECTING…**

 

_Have a Despairingly fun time! (^_^)/~_

 

**DISCONNECTED**

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey! Heeeeey! Anyone out there?!”

 

_Ugh, my head..._

 

“The hell’s goin’ on, where am I?”

 

_It’s completely dark, what’s happening? Who is that?_

 

* _clink_ *

 

_What the… why can’t I move my hands?_

 

“H-hey, I heard that! Where are you? Face me like a man, dammit!”

 

“I’m-I’m over here! I-it feels like I’m stuck but you sound close by, let me just— _waaaah_!”

 

* _thump_ *

 

Out of a metal locker tumbled a blue haired teenage boy, his words cut off from having landed face down.

 

“Ow…”

 

“Ah shit dude, you alright?”

 

More stunned than hurt, the boy shakily rose to his feet, noting that while his hands were bound his feet were free.

 

“Yeah, yeah I think so, thanks. But I think I’m in handcuffs.”

 

“Damn, you too huh?”

 

Another boy, taller, teenaged as well, with a shock of lilac hair and a matching goatee. Per his words his hands were also cuffed behind his back, but even more striking was his choice of clothing; black and white striped fatigues, like a stereotypical prison inmate.

 

“Look, I don’t know who’s screwing around with us,” the prisoner(?) growled, “but I’m not gonna let them get to you or me, or my name isn’t Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars!”

 

_Luminary of the... what? I’m not in an asylum, am I?_

 

“So uh, your name is Kaito, er, do you prefer Luminary…?”

 

_Please be okay with Kaito._

 

Mr. Luminary of the Stars blinked before giving a toothy grin, “Heh, sorry, that probably sounded weird since I didn’t even introduce myself. Like I said, name’s Kaito, I’m the Ultimate Astronaut. What’s your name?”

 

Slightly mollified that person in front of him might not be _completely_ delusional, the other boy responded, “I’m Shuichi, uh, Shuichi Saihara. They call me the Ultimate Detective, but—”

 

“Ultimate Detective?! That’s perfect!” Kaito beamed, “You can figure out what’s goin’ on here and why we’re dressed like old-timey bad guys! I bet you already have a bunch of clues figured out and’re halfway to solving this mystery!”

 

Shuichi shifted his gaze from the other boy’s shimmering eyes, “Ah, it doesn’t work _quite_ like that, and I’m just a rookie, but—”

 

_Wait, “we’re” dressed?_

 

Shuichi took quick stock of himself. Sure enough, he too was garbed in black and white stripes, the fabric cheap and thin. A slight weight rested on his head, a hat probably, with a straight bill. One good thing at least.

 

“‘But’ nothin’!” Kaito shouted far too loudly in regards to their proximity, “Bein’ a rookie just means you’re the cutting edge that the world of detectiving needs! Plus you’re an Ultimate, like me! We can take on anything this weirdo place throws at us, we just need to stick together! You with me?”

 

_I don’t really understand where this guy gets his energy from, or his optimism for that matter. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel a bit better though._

 

“Y-yeah, I’m with you. Just, I need a second to think.”

 

Right, now that Shuichi was able to take a breath his pathetic, high-strung brain could get to work, starting with a proper sitrep. They were indoors, that much was clear, in a room with a single entrance, desks, a digital chalkboard, a pair of lockers, and a podium. A classroom then? But then there were the oddities; leaves, branches, and other plant detritus littered the ground, which contrasted against the large television monitor with an alarming number of speakers hung from the ceiling corner. Most worryingly, the room’s windows, already barred on both sides, were wrapped so thickly in barbed wire that sunlight barely shone through.

 

“There’s no other reasonable explanation. Kaito, I… I think we’re in a prison.”

 

The taller boy grimaced, “Fuck, I was hopin’ you wouldn’t say that. You sure? I mean this is a classroom, right? Can’t we just be in some kinda weirdass school?”

 

Shuichi shook his head, “Prisons have classrooms too, and combined with the blocked off windows, our clothes, the handcuffs, wherever we are we’re prisoners. But still,” he tried to rub his chin but couldn’t, “a lot is wrong here, clearly. None of this is proper procedure, and come to think of it…”

 

The bluenette closed his eyes, trying to slow his breathing, “...I can’t remember how I got here. I don’t even remember getting arrested, or kidnapped, or anything like that. Do you?”

 

Kaito looked down, “No, I was kinda hoping you would. Grrrh! None of this makes any damn sense…!”

 

_I definitely agree on that._

 

The lilac haired boy eyed the exit, “Well in any case, we probably won’t find anything else out if we just hang out in here, c’mon, let’s look outside.”

 

Kaito walked over to the door, fumbling to turn the knob with his hands both bound and behind him. Thankfully he was tall enough to where he didn’t have to further struggle with bending over. With a soft click, the door opened. At least they weren’t trapped in this room.

 

“It’s a hallway, I don’t see anyone,” Kaito observed, “I think it’s safe, but stay right behind me just in case. After all,” he shoved open the door and strode out, “Kaito Momota always protects his sidekicks from danger!”

 

_...Since when did I agree to be his sidekick?_

 

Shuichi followed closely behind anyway.

 

* * *

 

 

The hallway was in a similar state of untidiness as the classroom, the smell of rotting plant matter filling the air with an oppressive heaviness. And yet even as dry leaves crunched underneath the duo’s feet, one of those disparately clean television monitors hung on every corner.

 

“Fascinating, isn’t it? The contrast between the pristine and the grimy, the fresh technology and the old fashioned indicators of guilt and criminality upon our backs? What do you think Kaede?”

 

His companion made a face before responding, “Yyyyeah, sure is interesting alright.”

 

_More like weird, scary, and confusing, kinda like you actually. But sure, I guess it’s interesting too._

 

“I am already titillated by what little we have observed of this place, the speculation alone of what lies in store for us…”

 

He shivered in a way that the blonde didn’t find particularly wholesome.

 

It’s not that she _didn’t_ want Korekiyo Shinguji by her side in this obviously dangerous kidnapping situation. When she first stumbled out of that locker handcuffed, dressed in strange clothes more suited for a prisoner than the Ultimate Pianist, and with no memory of how she got there, she counted herself lucky that at least she wasn’t alone in these bizarre circumstances.

 

“Ah, perhaps I misspoke earlier. Black and white striped prison uniforms have actually seen a resurgence in many countries’ correctional facilities due to their ubiquitous cross-cultural symbolism. There have been prison employees who have been mistaken for inmates because of their brightly colored modern jumpsuits, therefore some places have looked to the past for inspiration. Is that not beautiful in a way?”

 

To think, Kaede could have _not_ met up with the Ultimate Anthropologist and his unfairly svelte frame. How lucky she was.

 

“Perhaps whoever has taken us intends for us to take part in an anthropological or sociological experiment? How wonderful if that were the case! I would have gladly assisted. I would have even kept on the handcuffs if they so requested.”

 

In all honesty, she truly was glad she wasn’t alone. But if they could find absolutely anyone else in this forest floor of a prison, things would be a lot better.

 

_Like, it’s one thing to keep your cool in a bad situation, but don’t be excited about this! And stop saying things that make it sound like you’re really into BDSM to someone you literally just met!_

 

The fact that he was wearing a black surgical mask with a zipper where his mouth should be did not ease her wariness.

 

“....! …..!!”

 

The unmistakable sound of someone yelling caught Kaede’s ear.

 

“Hey hey, shh!” she waved her companion down, “I hear shouting over there!”

 

Korykiyo paused,“Are you certain? I did not hear anyone.”

 

“I’m a musician, I have very good hearing.”

 

“Kehehe, don’t musicians typically deteriorate their hearing—”

 

_“Shush!”_

 

The sound grew louder, accompanied by the unmistakable thudding of heavy footsteps running towards them. With nowhere to hide Kaede stumbled to get her back against the wall and tensed, hoping for a non-hostile encounter.

 

Bounding around the corner came a boy also handcuffed and clad in black and white prisonwear, but instead of stripes the clothing pattern resembled digital camouflage. His skin was oddly shiny, his eyes shone with an unnatural light that seemed to glint off of his white hair, and there were odd lines that seemed to segment his face.

 

Thankfully, he proved himself as probably not hostile when he immediately ducked behind the taller Kaede and much taller Korekiyo.

 

“Y-you there! I could use some assistance!” he pleaded, “I am being chased by someone who is very rude and has no comprehension of personal space!”

 

“Aw c’mon, it’s nothing like that!”

 

The strange boy’s apparent tormentor walked languidly around the corner, smiling a bit too sunnily to be genuine, “I just want to get a closer look! Wouldn’t you want to see if the Ultimate Robot has a working dick?”

 

The tormentor was another boy, even shorter than the one Kaede was instinctively shielding, and perhaps even stranger looking. He was laced in a faded white straitjacket, with handcuffs _over_ his crossed and bound arms for some reason. Like Korekiyo he too had a mask on, but rather than a clean looking surgical mask his was what the pianist could only imagine was a faceplate intended to keep him from biting people. Combined with with spiny purple hair and unrelenting grin, he looked like he might actually belong in a place like this.

 

_What is even happening here? And seriously, a robot?_

 

“O-okay, stop for a second,” she stepped forward, “I’m Kaede Akamatsu, Ultimate Pianist, and this is Korekiyo. I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding, so who are you and why are you bothering him?”

 

The boy in front of her rocked on his heels like he didn’t have a care in the world, “You mean you don’t recognize me?” he suddenly burst into tears, “B-b-b-but we’re were about to be married so our robot son would be legitimate in society’s eyes! We were going to discuss the circumcision question like a real couple instead of making it a fight like we always do...!”

 

_The actual hell? Is this kid real? And there’s no way you’re into girls._

 

After a beat, the tears dried instantly and the straitjacketed boy laughed, “Nee-heehee! That was a lie, obviously. I do that sometimes. I’m Kokichi Oma, the Ultimate Supreme Leader!”

 

_Of course you are, because considering everything else you said that somehow makes the most sense ._

 

“The windup guy is Keebo, and I’m just asking the questions that others are too afraid to!”

 

“I am not powered by a windup key!” the robot protested, “I run on an electric power cell!”

 

“In any case,” Kaede shook her head, “Even if you were curious about him you should respect someone’s personal space!”

 

Kokichi tilted his head, “But he’s not a person, he’s a robot.”

 

Keebo sputtered, “I am a person! A high school student even, just like you!”

 

“A humanoid robot that attends high school?” Korekiyo gleefully spoke up, “How marvelously intriguing! I must hear of your experiences and interactions with your peers. Do you emulate all human mannerisms, or do you communicate with your own version of gestures and social cues? I _must_ observe you, if you allow.”

 

Kokichi gave an exaggerated gasp, slightly muffled through the slits in his mask, “Keebo, I think that creepy guy is going to molest you in front of your mother! Quick, activate attack mode! Rockets, lasers, karate chop action, engage!”

 

“I-I am not an action figure! And not only am I not programmed for martial arts, my hands are bound, how would I use a karate chop?”

 

“Oh my god, no weapons, no communications, and possibly no genitalia, you are the lamest robot ever,” the Supreme Leader groaned.

 

“That is not true! I am the _Ultimate_ Robot!”

 

“Really? Who was the runner up, a toaster with an internet connection?”

 

“Your continued robophobic remarks will land you in prison someday!” Keebo frowned accusingly, “For all we know we are trapped here due to your bigotry against mechanical lifeforms!”

 

“Kokichi,” Kaede cut in, hoping to end the sad double act, “If you’re the Ultimate Supreme Leader, do you have any idea of what’s going on here? Or why we might be kidnapped and taken to this place?”

 

The diminutive boy grinned, “Oh, so we’re focusing on what actually matters now? It’s about time. Well you’re right to come to me for help, but I haven’t had enough time to figure things out yet. I have determined something though.”

 

Kokichi’s face darkened, even as he kept his smile, “Someone brought us here for a reason, and I bet they’re not going to let us leave any time soon.”

 

As if unaware of Kaede’s stunned silence, Kokichi fell back into a carefree smile, “So anyway~! I’m gonna keep looking around and finding new people. Careful not to upset Keebo or he’ll rip your dicks off for himself and use them for antennae!”

 

Before the Ultimate Robot could begin list off the falsehoods in that statement, the purple haired boy ran off in the direction he and Keebo came, expertly dodging the roots and fallen branches at his feet.

 

“Wait! Kokichi, we should stick together—!” Kaede started before quickly realizing she was to be ignored.

 

_We should probably go after him, but I don’t think either me or Keebo could deal with more of him right now._

 

“...Let’s just go the other way,” she suggested, “We’ll probably get plenty more of him later.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“S-stay back, you degenerate male! Or you too will feel the wrath of Neo-Aikido! HAAIIIIYAAAA!”

 

“W-w-wait!” Shuichi stuttered.

 

_How did everything go so wrong in four seconds?!_

 

He, Kaito, and their new acquaintance Rantaro Amami saw a group of three girls trying to open a presumably locked door, their cuffed hands adding an additional obstacle. Kaito, taking initiative, greeted them and used his shoulder to tap one of them from behind. This proved to be something of an unwise move; the girl turned around with this... look in her eyes as if he’d just slapped her mother with the severed hand of her grandmother. With a gutteral shriek, she... well, it happened too quickly for Shuichi to properly discern precisely what happened. The hostile girl did some kind of jump-twist-flip-throw on Kaito and flung him across the hall. Rantaro reflexively tried to leap forward and catch him, but with his hands bound in _two_ pairs of handcuffs, there was little he could do other than absorb the blow of the flying Ultimate Astronaut, causing them both to crumple to the ground.

 

And now that girl stood in front of him practically spitting and hissing in hostility.

 

“ _HIIIIIIISSSS!”_

 

Actually spitting and hissing.

 

Her prison outfit was almost entirely white, with only single black stripe around her waist that matched her dark black hair. Even if he didn’t just witness her effortlessly take down his two companions with her hands literally behind her back, he could tell she was powerful enough to really hurt him if she wanted to. Judging by her flared nostrils and simmering glare, the only thing holding her back from doing so was the fact that he was visibly cowering in fear.

 

_Don’t move, movement sets her off. And possibly existing in her presence._

 

Kaito, thankfully at a safe distance, rolled off of Rantaro with a groan, “Rgh... so this place is co-ed, huh?”

 

_That’s what you follow up with?!_

 

The lilac haired boy was either fearless or truly oblivious. Shuichi couldn’t bring himself to say which he believed was most likely.

 

Fearing another attack, Shuichi retreated to check on his more sensible companion, “R-Rantaro! Are you okay?”

 

“Ah, he’s fine,” Kaito interjected before Rantaro could respond, “It was just a Judo throw, the Ultimate Adventurer can take more than that!”

 

 _“A ‘JUDO THROW’?!”_ the assailant spat with indignation.

 

_Kaito why._

 

“You horrible boys insult me and then assault Neo-Aikido by comparing it to a lesser martial art?!”

 

_Even if any of that was grounded in reality I think you mixed up your words there!_

 

“It was YOU who kidnapped us, for some sick, perverted purpose no doubt! I will rescue all of the innocent, fair maidens that you’ve taken, but first I will break these chains using your sinews as cutting wire, and then I will—!”

 

“Tenko,” her companion with dark skin and white hair leaned in, “Keep their lovely sinews intact, maybe maybe? They are bound just like us, and fresh sinews are not easy to come by.”

 

“That’s probably part of their twisted fantasies! They think we so little of us girls that they think just because we’re handcuffed that we couldn’t rip out their insides!”

 

“But but!” she looked Shuichi up and down twice, her diminutive stature somehow making the act more humiliating, “Look at how pale and frail this one is! And with such pretty eyes! Does Atua strike down ants that look at him funny? Or gulls that talk behind His back? No He does not, because He knows such beings are too sad and have so little fortune to be what they are.”

 

_So I’m too insignificant and pathetic to crush? Well it might be true, but you don’t have to say it like that..._

 

The white haired girl leaned against her violent companion, rubbing her cheek against the other girl’s side in what was probably meant to be a calming gesture, “So you will let them go, yes?”

 

“Grrrrgh…”

 

Her glare was far less intimidating with the blush creeping up her neck.

 

_That’s an… interesting facial expression. I didn’t know lips could curl that way._

 

“Nyeh… are we done fighting yet?” the third girl finally spoke up, seemingly weary of the situation.

 

“Himiko!” the dark haired girl’s blush intensified, “O-of course! I was just making sure that these… boys… understand that we are not to be harassed, assaulted, or demeaned in any way!”

 

“Mmm… okay…”

 

 _Would be nice if you extended that courtesy to_ us _, but at this point I’m just happy to keep my insides intact._

 

“Nyahahaha! How wonderful it is to make new friends!” the dark skinned girl bounced, the wavy stripes of her prison clothes causing an almost disorienting effect, “My name is Angie Yonaga, I’m the Ultimate Artist!”

 

Angie moved herself between her two companions, tilting her head to one side, “The one who divinely granted you mercy is Tenko, the Ultimate Aikido Master! And—” she tilted her head towards the third girl who was somehow even shorter than the artist, “—this is Himiko! She’s the Ultimate Magician!”

 

“ ‘m a mage, not a magician.” Himiko grumbled to the floor, her deep red hair obscuring her face.

 

“Uh, nice to meet you all,” Shuichi greeted, pointedly avoiding eye contact with Tenko, “I’m Shuichi Saihara.”

 

“Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars!” the Ultimate Astronaut gave a bright smile.

 

Having since recovered, the Ultimate Adventurer blew some of his bleach stained hair out of his eyes, “And I’m Rantaro Amami, great to see more friendly faces. Forgive me if I don’t shake your hand,” he clinked his double cuffed hands for emphasis.

 

“To answer your earlier question Shuichi, I’m fine, just got winded, that’s all,” he turned to Tenko, “That was a really impressive move you did there, by the way. None of us know what’s going on around here, and I’m willing to bet you girls don’t either. If things take a turn for the worse, I think you’d be a good person to have on our side. What do you think?”

 

The Ultimate Aikido Master growled and shifted listlessly, “I do _not_ enjoy being complimented by disgusting males. If I must use my Neo-Aikido to defend against an enemy, protecting the females of the group will be my priority.”

 

“As it probably should be,” he agreed without missing a beat, “Speaking of, maybe your friend here can help us out too?”

 

He turned to Himiko, “Hey, you’re a magician, right? You know how to get out of handcuffs? Maybe two pairs?”

 

“I’m only a magician in title, in practice I’m actually a mage,” she corrected, her tone as flat as her prisoner’s hat was pointy, “Normally I’m the best at escaping from all kinds of restraints, but these aren’t just handcuffs, they’re magic-restraining circlets, very powerful and forbidden anti-magic.”

 

_Or, more likely, these are real handcuffs and not props used for magic tricks._

 

“H-hey, wait a minute,” Kaito protested, “that doesn’t even make sense, magic definitely isn’t real!”

 

“Magic IS real,” Himiko insisted, the slightest bit of irritation coloring her tone.

 

“No way! Is NOT!”

 

“Magic is REAL! And if you’re not careful, I’ll summon a horde of doves to peck out your stupid hair and have them bring it to me as an ingredient for more jinxes!”

 

“His hair does look like an overused paintbrush!” Angie chirped.

 

“It does NOT!” the paintbrush haired astronaut objected, inching away from the tiny mage, “A-and if you’re a real magician, then teleport us out of here or something! Or magic up a rocket so we can fly to the moon!”

 

“I already said—!”

 

Angie rapturously followed their every word as Himiko and Kaito continued to go back and forth, while Rantaro and Tenko observed with amused looks on their faces, though likely for different reasons. Shuichi just stood there, uselessly.

 

 _...Maybe_ I’m _the crazy one here._

 

* * *

 

 

“...Do you think they will be okay?” Tsumugi asked, watching Korekiyo and Keebo hasten to catch up to a briskly walking Maki.

 

“They’re all together, I’m sure they’ll be fine,” Kaede assured, mostly to herself.

 

_Though oddly, I’m not sure who to be more worried about, Maki, the boys, or us._

 

Having gone down a flight of stairs, they were in what was evidently in a basement level of some kind. Much less plant debris scattered the floor, instead there was a layer of dirt that spanned the surface of the hallway. The first room they walked into turned out to be a library literally overflowing with books, the hardbacks stuffed haphazardly on the shelves and additional stacks of books nearly reaching the ceiling in some places. The lighting was very poor for a library, more illumination coming from the dim hologlobe in the middle of the room than from the flickering overhead lights.

 

So when a deathly pale girl emerged from behind a pile of books with a stony, red eyed glare, it was more than understandable when two of the group leapt away in fear, only to tumble headlong into said piles and almost bury themselves in encyclopedias.

 

The girl’s expression didn’t exactly turn sympathetic, but at least shifted from acidic to somewhat exasperated.

 

“Maki Harukawa,” she introduced herself once everyone was distangled from reference material.

 

Her long, dark brown hair was tied with black and white scrunchies, her almost worryingly slender frame somehow possessed a defined musculature, and unlike the handcuffs of the others her wrists were bound in front by a heavy set of wooden manacles held together by welded iron.

 

Korekiyo’s ensuing remarks regarding said medieval restraints were what compelled Kaede to volunteer him away to accompany Maki so the brunette girl wouldn’t have to wander around alone. And then, in a quick stab of guilt, to volunteer Keebo alongside so Maki wouldn’t also be left alone with Korekiyo.

 

The red eyed brunette was less than enthused by the suggestion, but seemed to lack the interest to argue beyond pointing out how that would leave the blonde alone herself.

 

“I’ll be okay,” the pianist insisted, “I’ll just stay here, catch up on some reading maybe.”

 

_Ha. As if any book not containing sheet music or girls in sexy outfits has ever kept my attention for more than ten minutes._

 

“Hmm…” Tsumugi gave a slight smile, “Well, I think it was very considerate of you to look out for the well being of Maki there, even if she acted a little scary. I bet she would look excellent in a stylized _Yōkai_ costume, especially if she let her hair loose.”

 

Kaede chuckled, “Not sure if being considered to have a good look for a demon is a compliment, but I can definitely see it.”

 

“Oh it is plainly a complement,” Tsumugi affirmed, “She wouldn’t even need that much makeup or a mask to look frightening.”

 

“I suppose that’s something every girl wants, to be able to look scary on command.”

 

...

 

_Wait a minute..._

 

...

 

The pianist turned to the other girl, “...Hold on, who are you? When did you get here?”

 

“Huh?” Tsumugi blinked, “I’m Tsumugi Shirogane, the Ultimate Cosplayer, wasn’t I already introduced?”

 

“This is the first time I’ve noticed you!” Kaede squinted, “How long have you been there?”

 

“I think I was in the other locker in that classroom, we met Korekiyo there.”

 

_Seriously?!_

 

With the pianist staring wide eyed, Tsumugi tried again, “Ummm, you stepped on my foot when we met Keebo and Kokichi? And you and Keebo tripped over me in the library?”

 

After a continued lack of reply, the cosplayer sighed, “That’s not too surprising I suppose. I’m so plain looking that I’ve always been sort of a background character to other people. At least I’m ordinary looking enough that if things turn bad I’m too plain to be killed off. Or,” she looked down, “maybe I’m so plain no one will mind that I’ll be the first to die to serve as heroic motivation for others.”

 

“Hey hey, don’t think like that!” Kaede comforted, “We might be locked up but no one’s dying! I’m sorry for not noticing you. Tell you what, just stick by me and I’ll make sure everyone knows you, okay?”

 

Tsumugi gasped, her eyes lighting up, “You mean you’ll form a quirky duo with me?!”

 

“Uh, I mean yeah!” the pianist nodded, not fully comprehending, “That’s something that sounds fun.”

 

“I’ve always wanted someone to partner with me!” the cosplayer gushed, “An introverted, Plain Jane cosplay expert and her head turning, extroverted popular friend, together facing slice of life challenges and braving young adulthood with a supernatural twist!”

 

_Heh, looks like that did it. She looks much better with a smile, all she needed was a friend, and I guess for her life to be an urban fantasy manga. Eh, there are worse things to want. Her compliments were nice too, I never was popular but it’s kind of flattering for her to think I would be._

 

Now that she was cognizant of Tsumugi’s presence, Kaede wondered how she could have ever missed her. True, her heavily faded prisoner outfit and muted blue hair didn’t exactly make her stand out, but _plain_?

 

_Not with those curves._

 

Her face, while maybe not what the pianist would consider heart stopping, was certainly appealing in its own way, especially with the small pair of rounded glasses resting on her nose that highlighted her pale green eyes. She was somewhat tall as well, especially for a girl, standing slightly higher than Kaede.

 

“For what it’s worth Tsumugi, I don’t think you’re plain at all,” the pianist smiled, “You’re super cute! Slim AND curvy! Plus you’ve got the glasses thing going on, which is like a _thing_ , I’m pretty sure.”

 

Pink dusted Tsumugi’s cheeks, a bashful look on her face, “My spectacles aren’t quite big enough for me to claim Glasses Girl status, but I appreciate you noticing that. I usually don’t get compliments from girls, usually they call me mean names or ask if I could make them clothes they want, and then call me mean names because they wanted normal clothes instead of cosplay. And that’s if they notice me at all, instead of bumping into me or stepping on my toes.”

 

Kaede winced, “Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to, obviously.”

 

“That’s okay, a protagonist has more important things to worry about than plain old me.”

 

“I told you, you’re not plain at all,” the blond clenched her fists, “Embrace your sexiness! And I’m no protagonist, they always have a ton of friends and like a bunch of female love interests, that’s something I could only dream of.”

 

“Impossible!” Tsumugi stated with firm disbelief, “You’re so nice, and you already have the hair—!”

 

***DING DONG DONG DING***

 

The library brightened as one of the omnipresent television monitors crackled to life, capturing the two girls’ focus.  The picture displayed another poorly lit room, so dark that the only discernible shapes were a desk and an odd figure sitting in a high backed chair behind it.

 

 _“A-he-he-eh-hem!”_ the figure cleared their throat, _“Will all inmates please make their way towards the gymnasium for orientation. The gymnasium is located on the first floor at the end of the hall, through the cage door. If you hit the stairs to the basement, you’ve gone the wrong way. Attendance IS mandatory.”_

 

The screen fizzled off and once again the library was left in near darkness.

 

* * *

 

 

With the arrival of two girls, one blonde and one bluenette, everyone had arrived in the gymnasium.

 

 _That makes sixteen,_ Shuichi noted, _pretty uncommon to see so many Ultimates in one place._

 

Shuichi and his group were evidently the first ones to arrive, as the gym was empty when they first stepped in. More people filled in afterwards, all around his age, all clad in some form of prisonwear, some more esoteric than others; one girl was wrapped in leather straps and had her mouth duct taped, one extremely small boy was strapped with a ball and chain anklet, and his evident counterpart, a positively gigantic boy with glasses, was unrestrained, his handcuff chain snapped through. Angie made a point to smile at every newcomer whether they returned it or not, though the tension dissuaded anyone from speaking.

 

At least until the blonde new girl walked in.

 

“H-hello everyone?” she tentatively addressed the room, “Tsumugi and I were apparently as far away from this room as possible, so I’m guessing this is the whole group?”

 

No one answered right away.

 

After a moment the tall boy in the surgical mask answered, “No one has entered this room for some time before you showed up. Given the limited space to explore, the front entrance being sealed, and how you said you were as far as possible, it is most likely that the sixteen of us comprise the entirety of this small, eh, community.”

 

_I guess that’s one word for us._

 

The blonde girl nodded, “Thanks Kiyo. Now what would really be amazing is if someone knew what in the world was going on here…?”

 

The gym stayed silent for a beat, before a tall girl with platinum blonde hair and striped gloves spoke, “We are all restrained in some fashion, and all bear the clothing of convicted criminals. I believe it would be safe to assume that none of us have any answers as to the mystery of what we are doing here or what this place is. The only one who would have that information would be the one who summoned us over the televisions.”

 

“Tha~t’s right!” a high pitched voice obnoxiously trilled, “I’ve got aaaaaaalllll the answers, and as long as everyone stays on good behavior, I’ll be more than happy to share some, teeheehee-hee! Let orientation begin!”

 

A spotlight shone down near the far wall, a podium rising from the floor to meet it. From the apex of the spotlight descended a downright bizarre-looking creature. It had the plush shape and fuzziness of a stuffed animal, floppy rabbit ears, a bow on its head, and a duotone color scheme that split in a straight line right down its middle; white on one half, bright pink on the other. Even its eyes were mismatched, with the white half containing a beady black eye, the pink half a shiny red eye. To top it off, it fluttered gently down on feathery angel wings.

 

At least until the wings snapped off about 20 feet above the ground, causing the creature to plummet and bang its head on the podium with a toylike squeak. The creature immediately hopped atop the podium, seemingly unaffected.

 

“Nice to meet you all!” it tittered, bowing twice theatrically, “My name is Magical Girl Bunny Headmistress-Warden Monomi, and welcome to the Academy for Fostering the Understanding and Correction of Killer Ultimates!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is hopefully the beginning of something interesting. Having only played the localization, I will be basing this story around that, which means speech patterns, lack of honorifics, and units of measurement will be hit with the Americanization Beam. I apologize to those for whom that is not their preference, though I can at least promise consistency of the format. Also, since I have shall we say, _limited_ knowledge of Japanese pop culture, Tsumugi will likely lean less otaku, and more Squid Baron. As always, I am open to criticism, suggestions, and pointing out of typos.
> 
> For those who are still interested, the sequel to my Oxenfree fic IS still in the works, just, y’know, taking a bit longer than intended.
> 
> Shoutout to the Danganronpa fic I’d Trade My Life for Yours, which inspired me to write this.
> 
> 6/23/18 Edit: Reuploaded work to correct only showing the first few lines. Evidently, AO3 does not like certain special characters.


	2. The Monomi Rules! Killer Robot Reveal!!

_ “Academy for Fostering the Understanding and Correction of Killer Ultimates”? What a weird name, what does it even mean? _

 

Evidently she wasn’t the only one who thought it was silly, Kaede could hear muffled laughter and snickering from the gagged girl wrapped in straps and Kokichi. Even that guy with the hat and pretty eyes made a displeased groan.

 

Make no mistake, the pianist was positively bewildered at the appearance of a stuffed rabbit talking like a person, but considering all of the other borderline impossible things happening that day, at least this Monomi seemed intent on explaining a few things.

 

Well, if she ever stopped excitedly hopping in place.

 

“Guhuhuhu! It’s so exciting to finally have all of you together, fresh faced and ready to play! I can already tell we’re all going to have a super duper high level special relationship with each other, fun fun! Oh, did you like my entrance? The wings were part of my old design so they didn’t really work so good, but wasn’t I majestic, and magical, and sparkly, and—”

 

“E-excuse me!” Kaede interrupted, doing her best to keep the impatience out of her voice, “Magical Headmistress, er, Bunny, um…”

 

“Magical Girl Bunny Headmistress-Warden Monomi!”

 

“Right, uh, Monomi, could you tell us where we are, or what’s going on?”

 

“Oh, that sort of thing is going to be covered in orientation, and orientation can’t start until eeeeeeveryone is excited!” the bunny addressed the room, “Is eeeeeeveryone excited?”

 

Some half hearted mumbles and silence replied, with only the dark skinned girl with white hair giving an enthusiastic holler. 

 

“Grrrrr…” Monomi narrowed her eyes, “I sai~d…  _ ARE ALL YOU BASTARDS  _ **_EXCITED?!_ ** _ ” _

 

“Ahhhh!”

 

“My freakin’ ears!”

 

“Oh god!”

 

“Gonta excited! Gonta  _ very  _ excited!”

 

“Please normalize your audio!”

 

After allowing a moment for everyone to recover, Monomi tutted, “Good. No~w…” she gave a twirl, “What was I saying again?”

 

Kaede, still working to refocus her eyes after the sonic equivalent of a thousand windows shattering, managed to respond, “Answers? O-orientation?”

 

“Right! A-he-he-eh-hem,” Monomi put her hands on her hips, “everyone gathered here is, as of today, officially an inmate of the Academy for Fostering the Understanding and Correction of Killer Ultimates!”

 

“Whoa whoa, hang on!” a tall boy with lilac hair protested, “Whadaya mean ‘inmates’? We’re high school students, none of us’ve done anything wrong!”

 

Monomi blinked, “Is that what you rea~lly think? Well it’s wrong. You’re aaaaall convicted criminals, cast aside and locked up by proper society! For your crimes. Because you’re criminals.”

 

“Now wait just a moment!” Keebo frowned, “I object to being referred to as a criminal! Despite what these clothes might imply, I have never broken any laws nor crossed law enforcement in any way! As the Ultimate Robot I am designed and fully committed to coexisting peacefully with humanity!”

 

The bunny headmistress stood blankly, “...Buckets of bolts like you are so boring, not like me who is super lovable and fun fun!”

 

Keebo sputtered, “Y-you mean you’re a robot yourself, yet you engage in robophobic rhetoric?! I am ashamed to have any association with you!”

 

“I’m not super into the idea either, after all you ARE criminal scum.”

 

“You keep saying we’re criminals,” a boy with a buttery smooth voice and greenish, bleach-stained hair spoke up, “and considering where we are and how we’re dressed there must be  _ something  _ going on. But I’ve never committed a crime, and neither has anyone I’ve talked to. I’m betting that everyone in this room would say the same, that they’ve never been to prison or anything like that. What aren’t you telling us?”

 

“Oops, did I forget to say?” Monomi tilted her head, “A bunch of your memories were erased, including the ones of you committing your crimes!”

 

A beat of stunned silence occurred before the room lit up in an uproar.

 

_ “What?” _

 

“ _ What?! _ How is that even possible?!”

 

“Did I master Neo-Aikido and then forget?!”

 

“Gonta already not smart! Gonta not able to afford losing thoughts!”

 

“What the fucking hell?!”

 

_ “MMMPH! MMMMMMMPH!” _

 

“That is an unforgivable breach of our persons!”

 

“D-dark forbidden magics!”

 

“Can you make me forget all of the series I’ve watched and read so I can experience them again?”

 

As the others loudly voiced their shock, Maki stayed completely silent. Instead, she took advantage of the fact that she was the only inmate to have her hands in front of her body; the brunette strode right up to the podium and unceremoniously throttled the duotone bunny to the ground.

 

“Do you want to die?” Maki asked in a cold fury, her knee-length pigtails practically billowing around her, “You’ve kidnapped us, imprisoned us, and now you say you’ve stolen our memories.  _ Why should we listen to anything else you say? _ ”

 

“ _Achhhh!_ ” Monomi choked, “Prison— _urk, prison revolt!_ **MONOKUBS ASSEMBLE!** ”

 

With a thundering, piston-like mechanical whir, five giant bipedal robots dropped from the ceiling. Standing at what had to be around 18 feet tall in a fashion reminiscent of gorillas, each robot had exposed reinforced wiring, uniquely-colored armor plating, and combination heavy assault rifle/rotary saw arms, all pointed squarely at Maki.

 

“ _ Ahhhhh _ !” Tsumugi cried, “Gears of Metal! War Gears! M-m-metals of War! I-I mean—!”

 

“Hey! Leave Auntie alone!” came a prepubescent voice from the red colored gorilla bot.

 

“Yeah!” the blue bot shouted, “The only one gettin’ choked here is Monodam, from inhalin’ my ROCKIN’, MASSIVE, PULSATIN’—!”

 

“Don’t say it!” the pink one squeaked, “I’m allergic to phallic language and imagery!”

 

“Bwuh? What’s ‘fal-lik’ mean? I was gonna say Monodam was gonna get my guitar shoved down his cumhole!”

 

The green bot stayed silent.

 

“Us turnkeys are heah to put youse back in line!” the yellow one stomped for emphasis, “So step off, sistah!”

 

“HEY! Who you callin’ turkeys!” the blue one shouted, “We’re bears!”

 

“I thought we were gorillas?” the red bot chimed.

 

“You’re delinquents of my deadbeat brother!” Monomi hmphed, pimp-slapping her way out of a thoroughly confused Maki’s fingers, “What’s more you’re being impolite, not even doffing your heavy weapons platforms in your first appearances. Chop chop!”

 

“S-sorry Auntie!”

 

“Yeah, our bad!”

 

Each robot seemed to power down, leaning forward and hunched over. Their shield-like front armor pieces popped up, and from them 5 more stuffed animals leapt out. They each shared Monomi’s duotone color scheme, but looked to be teddy bears instead of rabbits and sported scar-like left eyes.

 

“Monotaro!” fistpumped the red bear.

 

“Monosuke!” the yellow bear rasped.

 

“Monophanie!” giggled the pink bear.

 

“MONO-DAM,” droned the green bear.

 

“Monokid, in the house!” the blue bear pelvic thrusted.

 

They landed in formation, each striking a different, aesthetically discordant pose.

 

**“RISE AND SHINE, URSINE!”** they chanted in unison, “WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED, WE ARE THE  **MONOKUBS!** ”

 

...

 

…

 

“...You guys aren’t impressed?” Monotaro sweatdropped.

 

“Aw, but we worked so hard to prepare for our dazzling debut…” Monophanie sniffled.

 

“PER-HAPS THEY ARE SO IM-PRESSED THEY ARE SPEECH-LESS,” Monodam suggested.

 

Monosuke adjusted his spectacles, “Dat  _ might  _ be it, I give it a 50/50 shot eidah way.

 

Monokid belly laughed, “Hey, Monodammit said somethin’ smart for once! Just for that, I won’t beat the stuffing outta you tonight. I’ll just beat Monotaro’s ass instead!”

 

“Yay!” the red bear cheered.

 

“That shouldn’t make you happy!” the pink bear admonished.

 

The extremely short inmate with the ball and chain was the first to recover.

 

“So we have a robot rabbit, five robot bears that each pilot robot weapon platform gorillas, and an Ultimate Robot who apparently can’t break through handcuffs,” he spoke, his rich baritone voice at odds with his stature, “Hmph, are we really so dangerous that human oversight is too risky for us?”

 

“Maybe! Eh, for some of you at least,” Monomi answered, “But I think it’s just because society hates you so much that no one wants to deal with you anymore, teeheehee-hee!”

 

“But if that really was the case,” the bleach-haired boy wondered, “why not just kill us? The death penalty has been in effect for quite some time now, wouldn’t that be a lot less trouble than building a brand new prison and hiring a bunch of autonomous security staff for only sixteen people?”

 

_ Hey, avocado brain! Maybe  _ don’t _ give them those kinds of ideas! _

 

“Nee-heehee!” Kokichi sniggered, “I was kinda wondering about that too, but there’s one big detail you missed there, Rant-man.”

 

“What would that— ah, of course, I feel foolish for forgetting.”

 

“Why, it’s because you’re all Ultimates, of course!” Monomi clarified, “Eeeeeeveryone loves Ultimates, even those guilty of horrible, disgusting crimes! It’d be such a waste to lose bright young minds with so much potential to death row, so you’re here instead!”

 

“So, as I believe we are to understand,” the slim girl with platinum blonde hair spoke up, “Disregarding the matter of our stolen memories, we are essentially prisoners who are serving out sentences? Then we can be released when we finish our time, correct?”

 

“Oh no no no no,” Monomi animatedly shook her head, her ears flopping about, “It’s not a matter of running out the clock, you have to graduate from this Academy for Fostering the Understanding and Correction of Killer Ultimates! No sitting on your thumbs here, no sirree!”

 

“And how exactly do we ‘graduate’?” Maki asked, visibly holding herself back from assaulting the pink and white rabbit again.

 

“I’m su~per glad you asked!” Monomi tittered, “In order to graduate, you have to prove that you possess the skills and the drive to reintegrate with society. To do that, all you have to do is win the soon-to-commence  **Ultimate Killing Game!** ”

 

“Heeeeell yeah!” Monokid cheered, “Let the bodies hit the ceiling!”

 

“Monokid, I tink ya mean ‘floor’,” Monosuke corrected.

 

“Not if you do it in the not pussy way!”

 

“W-w-wait a second!” Kaede protested, “‘Killing Game’? Why would we ever take part in anything like that?! And how would that prove we could be part of society again?”

 

The warden tilted her head, seemingly confused, “What do you mean ‘why’? You’re already dangerous and immoral criminals, you should have no trouble bumping off other lawbreakers.”

 

The pianist was about to object further but Monomi continued, “Plus it’s not just a Killing Game, it’s an  _ Ultimate  _ Killing Game, where all the contestants are Ultimates vying for freedom! Only the winner of such a challenge will be allowed to graduate and claim their status as the  **Ultimate Criminal** !”

 

“The hell with that!” the tall guy with lilac hair shouted, “None of us are gonna take any part’ta that fuckload of shit! From what I see, all we gotta do is take  _ you  _ down!”

 

“Is that so?”

 

Monomi clapped twice and the Monokubs jumped back into the heavy weapons robots, each menacingly brandishing their weapons.

 

“Woohoo! Get ‘em Kaito!” Kokichi’s eyes gleamed.

 

“A-ah, fuck, I forgot about those…”

 

Maki growled through gritted teeth, “Idiot, shut up.”

 

“Teeheehee-hee! Truly these Exisals are weapons to surpass Solid Gears! I believe that is you were trying say, Tsumugi?”

 

“Actually—”

 

“Now if you ingrates are done interrupting, I can finish the super important exposition. If that was too subtle for you, can it until I’m done! For those of you familiar with Killing Games, feel free to tune out and open a new tab or play some music or something, for the rest of you, pay attention as if your life depends on it! Because it does, guhuhuhu!”

  
  


Monomi began pacing back and forth like a military officer, “As the name implies, the Ultimate Killing Game involves the successful killing of a victim by one of their fellow inmates, ie one of you. HOWEVER! Simply killing one of your fellow inmates would be far too easy a task for hardened, filthy malefactors like yourselves; to prove yourself as the Ultimate Criminal, the killer must get away with their crime! And to do that—”

 

“Oh man, Mono-auntie’s gettin’ to da good paht!” Monosuke whispered poorly.

 

“I wanna say keep it in your pants, but I’m straight free cockin’ it in here!” Monokid didn’t even bother lowering his voice.

 

_ “Blurglurglurgl!” _ came a strangled noise from within the pink Exisal.

 

“YOU WILL CON-DUCT A CLASS TRIAL,” Monodam finished.

 

Monomi grumbled, “...Since my delightful and wonderful and not at all pesky nephews seem so interested, they will explain from here, won’t you my darlings? Not you Monophanie, you stay in there, honey bunches.”

 

“But there’s puke in here—!”

 

“Dibs on furst!” Monosuke popped back out, “Alright, so when a killing happens and da cadavah is found, all ‘a youse are going to have some Investigation Time to look fah clues, gadah testimonies, and generally try to figya out da crime scene and whatnot. Aftah dat, youse all are going to carry out a Class Trial.”

 

“The Class Trial is where you sorry sumbitches talk things out like reasonable, bitchass adults and work on figurin’ out who the mothafuckin’ Blackened killer is!” Monokid continued, “After that boring shit, you get to the fun part; Voting Time! Where you assholes vote for who you think the Blackened is! If the majority votes right and fingers the killer, only the Blackened gets fucked and the Killing Game goes on. But if the majority of you dumbcunts votes wrong…”

 

“Then everyone BUT the killer gets punished!” Monotaro jovially added, “and the killer gets crowned the Ultimate Criminal and graduates with full honors, just like Monodam did!”

 

“WHAT?! Mono-snot got a degree?”

 

“SUM-MA CUM LAU-DE.”

 

“In short,” Monomi concluded, “you have to kill a fellow inmate and then fool eeeeeeveryone in the Class Trial. If you do that, you can escape and resume your life as you see fit!”

 

“Kill someone, then get out of the trial scot-free,” the boy in the hat mumbled, “sounds all too similar to the real world…”

 

“And that’s the premise of the Ultimate Killing Game!” the headmistress nodded, her hands on her hips.

 

“You mentioned a ‘punishment’,” the dwarfish boy said, “I’m sure we can already guess, but just to be clear, what exactly does that entail?”

 

“Each one is going to be different, but simply put it’s an execution!” Monomi giddily replied, “I mean, it is a trial over the death of a fellow inmate! Only the harshest punishment could be suitable for such a heinous act!”

 

“Kehehe,” Korekiyo snickered humorlessly, “So it really is a game, one where our lives are at stake. Completely absurd.”

 

“Absurd is right!” Kaede agreed, “We’re not going to be part of this sick crap! My friends and I are all going to find a way to get out of here alive, no matter what you do!”

 

Monomi paused, before clutching her sides in laughter, “Guhuhuhuhuahaha!  _ Friends?  _ You’re not going to survive very long thinking like that!”

 

The plush bunny’s red eye glowed ominously, “Don’t forget, you’re all stuck here. With a bunch of strangers with shady, possibly very violent pasts. It’s only a matter of time before the bodies start piling up. Your fellow inmates are not your friends, they are your  _ competition _ .”

 

The “for your lives” bit was left unsaid, but very much felt by every person in the room. Gazes started shifting as everyone either intentionally or unconsciously took a few steps away from each other, causing Kaede’s heart to sink.

 

“Now, to keep things fair and as a little encouragement, I have a couple little beginner’s prizes for you…”

 

Monomi clapped twice again, getting Monosuke and Monokid in motion. Moving so quickly they practically left cartoon dust clouds in their wake, the two kubs dashed between all of the inmates, removing the handcuffs and all other restraints as they passed.

 

“Hey!”

 

“W-watch your hands degenerates! Er, paws maybe?”

 

“Might I keep these? No?”

 

* _ riip!* _ “OW FUCK! If you’re gonna wax my lips, at least do both pairs!”

 

In a matter of seconds everyone had their limbs free once again. Well, almost everyone.

 

“Hey, you missed one over here!” Kaito exclaimed, pointing to Maki’s still manacled wrists.

 

“Two, it seems,” added the really short boy, using his newly released hands to heft the iron ball from his still attached anklet.

 

“Yeah, you missed two!”

 

“Guhuhuhu,” the warden gave them a sidelong glance with her red eye, “I said I was going to keep things fair, so that’s what I did. You two are special cases, even if you don’t remember it. Plus I haven’t forgotten your bad attempt at an insurrection, Maki dearest.”

 

She clapped once more, “The second prize is a way to keep yourselves organized and informed about this Academy.”

 

Monosuke stumbled back into the room, buckling under the strain of balancing sixteen tablet computers. Unlike before, he slowly shambled to each inmate, where they each took one of the sleek, lightweight devices.

 

“Deese heah (uff!) are ya  **Monopads** , keep dem on youse, ya going to need dem latah!”

 

Lacking pockets, the inmates simply held them in their hands, with the exception of the dwarfish short boy who had to shift his iron ball to under one arm and hold the Monopad in the other.

 

_ Wow, he’s strong for someone so small. Is that why he’s “special”? _

 

“There’s still a little bit more exposition to go, but I’m bored now and it’s time for you chumps to go to your rooms and sleep! You’ve had quite a full day after all, teeheehee-hee!”

 

“A moment,” the gloved girl spoke up, “While I am sure everyone could use some rest after all of this ludicrousness, what about dinner? I assume we are to be fed in this place.”

 

“Yeah!” the newly ungagged girl complained, “My big, beautiful brain burns thousands of calories a day, I need some fuckin’ food!”

 

“Too bad, thanks to Maki’s bad behavior you’re all going to bed without supper tonight!” Monomi tutted.

 

“Yeah!” Monophanie agreed, “It’s not because the Dining Hall isn’t ready because we had to prep the gym or anything!”

 

The headmistress gave a deadpan look, “Penis.”

 

_ “Blurglurglurgl!” _

  
  


* * *

 

 

_ If he could, I wonder what advice Uncle would give me right now. _

 

Shuichi laid on his back against the twin size mattress, his slight frame barely indenting the hard surface. For being the “Cell Block”, as Monomi called it, the living quarters of the Academy was much better than he was expecting; unlike many areas of the prison proper, this building was free from any littering plant matter and dirt. There were two floors, 8 rooms for the boys on the ground floor, 8 rooms for the girls on the top floor, each level separated by opposite-facing staircases. The “cells” weren’t terrible either, assuming that each one was the same; solid walls, laminate wood flooring, a small bed, a nightstand, a bookshelf, a barred window too high up to reach, a closet full of prison fatigues that were identical to the set he was wearing now, and of course a prominently mounted television monitor. There was even a bathroom off of the bedroom, furnished with a toilet, shower, and essentials like soap, safety razors, and shampoo. The presence of a private bathroom and the lack of other areas in the Cell Block led Shuichi to believe that there was no communal shower or bathroom policy, which he was thankful for considering the remarks of that boy with the spiny hair and that girl who turned out to be really loud. And vulgar.

 

_ Heh, Uncle would probably tell me to sit up straight, clear my mind, and take all challenges one step at a time. All things I’m bad at. _

 

The group’s discontent about dinner or lack thereof ceased once Monodam promised that the Dining Hall would be open for breakfast the following morning. Escorted by the Exisal-wielding Monokubs, the inmates were shown through the now-open front entrance. The yard was extremely overgrown, and though there were no trees the route to the Cell Block building would be nearly impassable without the concrete pathways cutting through the underbrush and vines. What truly demanded attention however, was the sky. Or rather, the cage obscuring the sky.

 

Almost resembling a bird cage in shape, metal bars that seemed to enclose the entirety of the prison formed a giant dome, forming a round cap off far above in the sky. Lower to the ground but still impossibly high up, the bars gave way to a solid metal wall that looked to circumnavigate the dome, the lusterless barrier not even reflecting the waning sunlight. That blue haired girl with the glasses was right, it did look like the enclosure was built for titan-like beings.

 

The Monokubs didn’t allow them to ogle for long, shooing them into the white-bricked Cell Block and informing them that everyone had their own cell and that the door of everyone’s designated cell could be locked or unlocked via the owner’s Monopad. A pixel art portrait hung over each room, depicting the assigned inmate. An odd aesthetic choice to be sure, but then Shuichi didn’t know anything about art or decor, perhaps it was just the style nowadays.

 

Upon entering his cell and locking the door, Shuichi immediately collapsed straight on the bed, the springs squeaking lightly in protest. He could feel the stress of the day catching up to him after holding it back for so long. His breaths getting heavier, the detective grabbed the brick-like pillow and pressed his face into it. At first he clenched his teeth. Then a few whimpers escaped. Finally he started wailing, mindful to keep his cries muffled by the pillow.

 

After a few moments, Shuichi slackened his arms and let the pillow fall from his grasp, a few hiccups wracking his body. Noticing the dark spots where tears soaked into the pillowcase, he flipped the cushion over and placed it properly on the bed. He laid back and wrapped one arm across his eyes, finding his thoughts drifting to his de facto parent.

 

_ Actually, what Uncle would really do is berate me for neglecting my personal hygiene again. “I can tell you haven’t showered today Shuichi, your hair is sticking up again.” If only he knew it took more than one missed day for that ahoge to appear, _ the detective doffed his hat and placed it on the nightstand,  _ He disapproved of the cap, too. _

 

What he  _ should  _ do is take a shower, brush his teeth, get as much sleep as he could, and tackle this insanity fresh tomorrow. Because that is what functional people did, they practiced self care and looked the part. Like he was going to. Right now.

 

Shuichi didn’t move.

 

The last thing the Monokubs told them before leaving for the night was that there was “super ultra important X” information in their Monopads and that they should look it over as soon as possible. Grabbing the tablet from where he tossed it earlier, he slid back against the headboard and began tapping through the scant number of icons.

 

_ Hmm, nothing that looks like a phone or internet app, no camera either, guess that’s not too surprising. “Notes”, well without my notepad and pencil I could probably use that. “Prison Map”, that’s unexpected, though I’m sure the Academy Building is more than two floors high. Still being built, most likely. “Inmate Assessment”, could that be it? No, it’s just a list of the sixteen of us. “Monopad Settings”, no need to mess with that. Ah, “Rules and Regulations”, this has to be what they were talking about. _

  
  


* * *

 

 

**Academy for Fostering the Understanding and Correction of Killer Ultimates**

**Rules and Regulations:**

 

  1. Inmates are required to cohabitate at the Academy for Fostering the Understanding and Correction of Killer Ultimates for the remainder of the foreseeable future.
  2. When a killing occurs in the academy, a class trial will be conducted. Participation in this trial is mandatory for all surviving inmates.
  3. If person directly responsible for the killing (henceforth known as "the Blackened") is correctly identified during the class trial, only the Blackened will be punished for their crime.
  4. If the Blackened cannot be identified, or if an incorrect inmate is identified as the Blackened, all inmates except the Blackened will be punished for the crime.
  5. If the Blackened survives the class trial, they will be declared the winner. At which point, they will graduate from the Academy and re-enter the outside world.
  6. If inmates continue to survive class trials, the killing game will continue until only two students remain, at which point both will be considered the winners.
  7. "Nighttime" is officially designated as the hours between 10:00pm and 8:00am. Inmates must remain in the Cell Block building during this time and are not allowed to leave until nighttime is over.
  8. “Breakfast” is officially designated as the hours between 9:00am and 10:00am. All inmates must reside within the Dining Hall during this time and are not allowed to leave until breakfast is over.
  9. “Dinner” is officially designated as the hours between 6:00pm and 9:00pm. All inmates must enter the Dining Hall at some point during this time period and remain for no less than 15 consecutive minutes.
  10. All acts of violence toward Monomi, the headmistress of the Academy, are strictly prohibited.
  11. Neither Monomi nor any Monokub will directly participate in a killing.
  12. Your Monopads are very important items. Make sure you do not lose, damage, or tamper with them.
  13. A body discovery announcement will occur when three or more students discover a body, at which point the Investigation period will commence. Once the Investigation period concludes, the Class Trial will begin immediately afterwards.
  14. Inmates have free rein to explore the Academy as they see fit, though they are encouraged to spend their free time perfecting their Ultimate talent and honing their criminal skills.
  15. Inmates who violate these rules will be summarily executed by the Exisals.
  16. The headmistress may add, remove, or alter regulations on this list at any time.



  
  


* * *

 

 

_ Everything about these rules is bullcrap but hey, at least I can put them in a color scheme of “Truth Cylinder Pink”. _

 

Kaede tossed her Monopad on the bedside table, the tablet landing with a satisfying smack. She felt refreshed, or at least more at ease, having completed her nightly rituals and changing into a fresh set of clothes.

 

No, not clothes,  _ prison uniform _ . Because these were not her clothes, she was not a criminal, and she was being unjustly held here for some unfathomable reason.

 

_ Though for uniforms, these have some weird designs. The stripes are uneven, they almost look like staves on sheet music. Come to think of it, some of the others’ uniforms were kind of off too. Just… why? Why do these things? Why are we being locked up and called criminals? Do our families even know what happened to us? _

 

Kaede slipped into bed, pulling the thin woolen blanket over her shoulders. Turning her head, the blonde’s gaze drifted to the barred window high up above, knowledge that an ever greater cage lay just outside weighing heavily on her.

 

_ Well, nothing more is going to be done tonight. Best thing would be to talk this over with everyone over breakfast tomorrow morning. _

 

Her mind winding down, the pianist curled around her pillow and felt herself drift to the edge of slumber. Until a stray thought led to a startling revelation.

 

Ripping off her covers, Kaede snatched her Monopad and swiped it open, going back to the Rules and Regulations tab to confirm her suspicions.

 

_ Academy for Fostering the Understanding and Correction of Killer Ultimates. _

 

**_A_ ** _ cademy for  _ **_F_ ** _ ostering the  _ **_U_ ** _ nderstanding and  _ **_C_ ** _ orrection of  _ **_K_ ** _ iller  _ **_U_ ** _ ltimates. _

 

_ … _

 

_ Well screw you too, you ice cream looking piece of shit Monomi. That’s it, when I get home I’m burning my stuffed animal collection. _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really thought writing the Monokubs would be boring. I was wrong. At the very least they make exposition more interesting.


	3. The Plan

_ Let’s see, Kaito, Korekiyo, Miu, Shuichi, Gonta… _

 

Kaede absentmindedly swallowed a bite of her breakfast, mentally attaching names to the faces displayed on the Inmate Assessment list on her Monopad. She swiped through the profiles, noting that while it listed names and profile pictures, the remainder of the information fields were either blank or only held question marks. 

 

_ Guess Monomi’s serious about keeping us in the dark about each other. But that’s not going to keep us from working together to get out of here, not if I have anything to say about it. _

 

The pianist was briefly distracted by the passing smell of buttery waffles, pancakes with chocolate chips, greasy sausages, and crepes sweetened with various syrups. Kirumi, the Ultimate Maid, carried a large platter full of such delicious morning meals in one hand with nary a wobble, putting it upon herself to serve her fellow inmates’ breakfast.

 

Kaede willed herself to look away and took a bite of her own meal, grilled salmon with steamed rice and fresh fruit. Healthy, tasty, and not as good as real breakfast food. 

 

_ Hrrg, maybe I could have one crepe, with strawberry sauce and whipped cream and powdered sugar and ice cream and— _

 

No. She pledged to cut back on sweets and other unhealthy foods, no matter how much it truly sucked. Besides, today was going to be a day full of physical activity and requiring keen focus, she couldn’t afford a sugar crash later.

 

Besides, Kirumi went to the trouble of cooking for her, for everyone, she should be thankful. The others were certainly expressing their gratitude, some maybe a little too much.

 

“These are great!” Kokichi sang, shoving another pancake into his mouth, “Whatever you poisoned these with, you gotta give me the recipe!”

 

“I assure you, none of this food is poisoned,” the maid rebuked, some of the other inmates tensing at the words, “All of it was prepared properly with all due consideration given to safety and quality, it would not do to have recipients of my service to fall ill do to an improperly cooked breakfast.”

 

“Yeah!” Tenko agreed, swallowing a large bite ginger-soy tilapia, “Kirumi is far too classy and ladylike to stoop to poisoning! I can tell that if anyone besmirched her name, she would demand a duel by combat to restore her honor and break all of the bones of the one who dared to cross her!”

 

The martial artist sniffed, “Not that I expect a  _ boy  _ to understand a woman’s honor.”

 

“Ha! As if Cock-ichi would ever go near a woman’s honor!” Miu guffawed, spitting out bits of omelette.

 

“Oh please,” Kokichi inspected his nails, “The only honor no one would ever go near is yours, though I bet it still has scars and traumatic memories from all the times you abused it. The only unpopped honor to have the consistency and texture of an old windsock.”

 

“Wha— n-no…” Miu blubbered, shifting her demeanor shockingly quickly, “I-I’m just saving myself for someone s-special, and I make sure it’s beautiful and clean shaven…”

 

Shuichi clumsily spoke up, “I’m— I’m sure the food is safe, uh, really good too. And I’m fairly certain that Kirumi wouldn’t actually fight someone over something like that.”

 

“On the contrary,” the maid corrected, “Tenko is quite correct, I have put many a miscreant in their place for unjustly denigrating my service, and by the time I was finished not all bones were intact,” she turned to Kokichi, bowing so that one eye was hidden by her fringe, “My service is exemplary, wouldn’t you say?”

 

“Yeppers!” the supreme leader chirped with an easy smile, “Oh, but if you did want to poison someone, remember that you can’t taste strychnine in coffee!”

 

A choking sound was heard as Kaito coughed up some of the coffee he was drinking, spilling some on the table and down his uniform.

 

“Goddamnit…”

 

Her hand going to her mouth in mild alarm, Kirumi very swiftly served the remaining plates and disappeared to the kitchen to fetch cleaning supplies.

 

With the trouble evidently over, Tenko turned her attention back to the person she was sitting next to, “Are you sure you don’t need any help eating, Maki? I’m more than happy to feed you!”

 

The brunette gave a cold glare that radiated a severe don’t-touch-me aura, defiantly (if somewhat awkwardly) swallowing a spoonful of miso soup despite her wrists being manacled, “I can manage. Go bother someone else.”

 

“Come now, Maki,” Rantaro laconically grinned, “She didn’t mean to bother you, she’s just trying to help you out.”

 

“I didn’t ask her to give me any help.”

 

“You didn’t have to ask!” Kaito winked, wiping his chin with the wet napkin handed to him by Kirumi, “Good friends help each other out, even if they think they don’t need it!”

 

Maki made a terse face, “I don’t have friends, especially none like you.”

 

“Perfect! Then I might be just what you need!” the astronaut gave a big smile, misunderstanding completely.

 

“Nyeh… you shouldn’t bug people who want to be left alone,” Himiko mumbled, her meager breakfast of natto-covered rice only halfway eaten.

 

Tenko’s eyes lit up, “Oooh! Himiko, I can feed you instead! Would you like that?”

 

“I think she was at least partially referring to you, Tenko,” Keebo lightly admonished.

 

“No, it’s okay,” Himiko changed seats to be next to Tenko, much to the latter’s delight, “Using chopsticks is a pain anyway.”

 

_ That’s an almost worrying degree of laziness, but I have to admit it’s kind of cute seeing this boisterous Aikido prodigy fawn over someone so tiny by comparison.  _ Kaede couldn’t help but smile,  _ Aw, and she makes such an adorable face when being fed, it’s like they’re a real couple! I wonder if I could help those two out. _

 

“Does anyone require anything else?” Kirumi asked the room, having finished cleaning up the rusty brown spill on both the table and the Kaito’s shirt.

 

“Gonta would like more pancakes please!” Gonta asked, holding out his licked-clean plate, “Gonta not need banana slices this time, blueberries much more tasty!”

 

She took his plate, “Very well. Anyone else?”

 

“Can you be my mom?” Kokichi asked with shimmering eyes, “My mom only made breakfast  whenever I made her proud of me! So I never, ever ate in the morning...”

 

“Any sincere requests?”

 

“I’m totally being sincere! I’ll even call you Mommy if you want~”

 

“Please, do not.”

 

“Kehehe, the maternal fetish, so fascinating from a psychosexual point of view,” Korekiyo chortled, “To blur the line between parental and romantic love, or even to eliminate it altogether. Despite its taboo nature, examples of such relationships can be found in many classical works of fiction, Hamlet and Gertrude being my personal favorite example.”

 

Tsumugi put a finger to her chin, “As it stands, mother-son ships are quite popular in contemporary fandoms as well,”

 

“I have received many many requests for comics from those fandoms!” Angie added, “Atua may have deemed those poor souls to be unholy, but their commissions most certainly are not!”

 

“Shaddup you fuckin’ weebs! You’re making a legit kink nerdy and boring!”

 

_ Okay, I can’t take any more. _

 

“Everyone!” Kaede stood up and clapped her hands, gathering everyone’s attention, “Since this is our first chance to really talk together as a group and breakfast is almost over, I thought I’d start a chat on how we should go forward and get out of this prison.”

 

“Kaedeeeeeee!” Kokichi whined, “I was doing so well at distracting everyone from being locked up like the bad guys we areeeeeee! Now we have to think about murdering each other again!”

 

The pianist put her hands on her hips, “Last time you were happy that I kept us focused, and you were the only one to mention murder this morning. Sit down and shut up unless you have something helpful to contribute.” 

 

“Wow,” Miu put her chin in her hand, a slightly mocking, slightly...  _ something else  _ look in her eye, “My ugly twin is a vocal topper.”

 

“All right,” Kokichi relented, to Kaede’s surprise and slight suspicion, “Give us your plan, O Fearless Leader.”

 

The pianist faltered briefly.

 

_ Leader? _

 

Suddenly she became aware of the position she was in; before her were sixteen people, sixteen Ultimates, no doubt all confused and scared by the circumstances, even if they were hiding it or distracted for the moment. Some were looking at her with hope, like Kaito, Tenko, and Tsumugi. Others were more reserved but regarded her with interest, like Maki, Ryoma, and Shuichi. No one here deserved to die, certainly not for some killing game dreamt up by a murderous stuffed rabbit. Their lives depended on them working together, and one way for that to happen was for them to have someone to rally behind.

 

_ Could I do it? _

 

She was the star of the stage once again, all eyes and ears focused on her. Only this time the stage was the middle of a prison cafeteria, and rather than being responsible for a pleasant piano recital Kaede might be accepting responsibility for everyone’s continued survival. Even Kokichi, the self proclaimed Ultimate Supreme Leader, either neglected to or, more likely, chose not to take up the position of leading the group.

 

_ He set me up for this. _

 

But did that really matter at this point? This was too big an opportunity to pass up, a way to unite everyone and keep them focused on escape rather than the killing game.

 

“R-right,” Kaede straightened her back, projecting her voice, “Before I get to that, first I just want to make sure all of us are on the same page for some important things. First off, NONE of us are going to participate in a killing game, agreed?”

 

“Course not!” Kaito shouted.

 

“And give our captors the satisfaction? I would sooner plan an expedition to the Arctic again,” Korekiyo assented.

 

Everyone collectively voiced their agreement except for Kokichi, who remained silent until Kaede narrowed her eyes expectantly at him.

 

“Fun as the Ultimate Killing Game might be,” Kokichi put his arms behind his head, seemingly unaffected, “I actually really hate murderers, so put me down as a wet blanket, like everyone else.”

 

The pianist nodded, “Good, so we all agree no killing. Not like I expected anything else, but that should put everyone a little more at ease. Next, let’s all agree to work together in getting out of this place.”

 

“You seem bent on having us all be friends,” Maki scowled, “Why do you keep on with that asinine prospect?”

 

“That’s not what I said,” Kaede clarified, “I do think we should all be friends, but I realize that maybe not everyone here feels as… sociable. What I’m saying is that we cooperate.”

 

“Strength in numbers, you mean?” Korekiyo hmm’d, “Even a technologically advantaged  civilization can be brought down by internal conflict and a more united enemy. Observing the Monokubs, we are certainly capable of besting them on both counts.”

 

“We should work together, of course of course!” Angie clasped her hands together, “A community in harmony always makes Atua happy!”

 

“I would certainly work better alone,” Maki grumbled, but relenting,  “Fine, just avoid bothering me.”

 

“Good enough!” Kaede smiled, pleased with things so far, “The last thing that’ll help is us fighting each other instead of Monomi, so us working together is super important! Now, as for my plan, it’s nothing super fancy or anything like that. I say we explore the prison and look for a way out.”

 

“I doubt it would be as easy as that,” Ryoma challenged.

 

“Any possible exits would almost certainly be either well hidden or heavily guarded,” Shuichi added, “If there are any exits at all.”

 

“Well that’s what we’d be searching for,” Kaede continued, “The Monopads have a map, but I wouldn’t trust it without looking with our own eyes. We won’t know for sure unless we check, and if it is guarded by the Exisals or whatever, we can make another plan from there. That’s reasonable, I think. What do you guys say?”

 

“When you think about it logically, there must be some avenue of escape,” Keebo spoke, “Monomi would not seal us in if her stated goal was for one of us to graduate at some point. Finding that exit is the optimal course of action!” 

 

“I am 110% behind this plan!” Tenko shouted with enthusiasm, “That leaves another 37% for me to also be in front of this plan!”

 

“Questionable arithmetic and turn of phrase aside, I agree that a thorough search of the prison grounds would be highly beneficial,” Kirumi nodded.

 

“Ooh! Ooh!” Kokichi raised his hand, “We should split up and search for clues gang! Let’s each pick a room and search it, I call the boys bathroom!”

 

“N-no! Never split the party! Bad things happen when you break off from the group!” Tsumugi warned.

 

“Tsumugi’s right,” Kaede put a hand to her chin, “But at the same time, having sixteen people searching the exact same place might have us getting in each other’s way. Let’s do two groups of eight, one team searches, um, okay let’s keep it simple; one team searches the inside of the main building here while the other team searches the outside.”

 

***Ding Dong***

***Bing Bong***

 

The meeting was interrupted by the ringing of the Dining Hall’s television monitor.

 

_ “It is now past 10:00am.,” _ the Monomi on the screen broadcasted,  _ “Breakfast time has officially concluded, inmates are now allowed to leave the Dining Hall. Dinner will take place between 6:00pm and 9:00pm, so don’t be late!” _

 

The screen fizzled out.

 

“Finally,” Himiko stood up, “I really needed to pee.”

 

“Oh that reminds me!” Tenko turned to the girl next to her, “Maki, do you need any help—”

 

_ “No.” _

 

“Hold on!” Kaede put her hands out, “Himiko you can go to the bathroom in a sec, but now’s the perfect time to start our search, so is anyone against us looking around together?”

 

No one voiced any objections, though the mage did start shifting from foot to foot.

 

“Alright, then to keep things quick I’ll lead one team and Shuichi will lead the other.”

 

“Huh? M-me?” the bluenette stuttered, putting a hand on his chest.

 

“Of course!” Kaede nodded, “You’re the Ultimate Detective, right? If anyone has a chance at finding anything it’d be you, you’re definitely the best person to lead a search party!”

 

“W-well, if you think so…”

 

“I do. So do you want take outside or inside?”

 

“Hm,” Shuichi thought, “I think I’d like to look ins—”

 

“Our team’s searchin’ outside, no problem!” Kaito interrupted, wrapping an arm across the detective’s shoulders, “The exit’s gotta be on the outside, right? That’s where the wall is! I bet there’s a big exit door somewhere on it. ‘Sides,” he jostled the smaller boy, “this dude could use the sun.”

 

_ You might have a point, his complexion is so pale he’s basically gray. _

 

Kaede raised an eyebrow, “Shuichi?”

 

“Uh, sure, I guess? I-I don’t mind searching the outside…”

 

“Hell yeah!” Kaito shook him again, “I’m totally with you, so anyone you pick is our dream team! How about Ryoma? Hey Ryoma! Wanna be on our team?”

 

“H-hold on Kaito, he’s still got the ball and chain, he shouldn’t have to lug it around outside so much.”

 

“It’s fine,” the dwarfish boy stood up, the aforementioned iron ball under one arm, “It actually reminds me of this one training exercise my team did. Guess I’m with you two.”

 

“I call Shuichi’s team!” Kokichi cheered, “Kaito’s so wrong about where the exit is that he might’ve actually looped around and became right by accident!”

 

“Hey!”

 

“If they are to explore the yard, then I wish to join Kaede’s search group,” Kiruimi stated, “As a maid it would do better for me to be as familiar with the interior of the prison as possible.”

 

“Gonta would like to search for bugs! Gonta not find any inside so far, so maybe outside?”

 

“I think both teams are great, so I’m good with either,” Rantaro smiled, “I’ll just fill whichever needs to make an even eight.”

 

Before long the two groups of eight emerged, Shuichi leading Kaito, Kokichi, Gonta, Ryoma, Tenko, Himiko, and Korekiyo in searching the prison yard, and Kaede leading the search of the main Academy building with Miu, Keebo, Kirumi, Tsumugi, Angie, Maki and Rantaro.

 

“Okay, uh, let’s head outside then,” Shuichi started, “Oh right, go ahead Himiko, just join us outside when you can... T-Tenko she’ll be fine, Kaede would be there if she needed anything—”

 

“Outside everyone!” Kaito hollered, “Shit’s just waiting for us to find it!”

 

As their group exited via the door leading to the outside terrace, Kaede led her team to the opposite door, hope riding high in her chest.

 

_ There’s no way I’m the best person for this, but if someone’s going to take charge it might as well be me. _

  
  


* * *

 

 

“...This might be a bit more difficult than I originally anticipated.”

 

Shuichi stood in the center of the yard with the rest of his group, surrounded by an oppressive amount of brush, thorny bushes, and fallen logs. The clearing they were standing in was at least an improvement on the day before, as well as a few other barely-there dirt paths where yesterday the only trail not covered in impenetrable plant life led to the Cell Block.

 

_ Still, this greatly limits our ability to explore. Perhaps this was intentional on Monomi’s part? _

 

“If only our obstacles were just trees, then we could simply kick them down with Neo-Aikido!” Tenko palm-striked the air, “HIIIIIIYAAAAA! But thorns and other sharp things I’m not so great with...”

 

Ryoma pointed, “Looks like our overseers aren’t so hot on all this stuff either, look.”

 

Two Exisals, one red and one blue, stomped around a distance away, their power saws clearing out the thickets and underbrush.

 

“Hey yeah, those Exisals are cutting down bushes and stuff,” Kaito observed, “Ha, that’ll just make it easier for us to reach the wall and find the exit door! But I guess we can’t reach it right at this second with all this crap in the way…”

 

“We can still be productive, how about this,” Shuichi directed, “We follow the paths we actually can walk through and see what’s around there. And since it’s not part of the main building, we should also look around the Cell Block.”

 

“Are you saying you wish to search all of our personal quarters as well?” Korekiyo asked, “I am amiable to such a decision, though you may have difficulty convincing everyone else; you need their Monopads to open their doors, you know.”

 

“I-I don’t think that’ll be necessary,” the detective looked down, “It’s extremely unlikely that any hint as to our escape would be in our own living quarters. Just around the building should be enough.”

 

“Are you suuuuuure about that?” Kokichi grinned, “One of us could have dug a secret underground escape tunnel and not told anyone!”

 

“That not happen!” Gonta asserted, “We all friends, and friends no keep secrets, especially about tunnels where bugs might be hiding!”

 

_ Friends with no secrets, I envy that thinking, Gonta. _

 

“Woooooooow,” the supreme leader keened, “You look super scary, but you’re just the biggest cinnamon roll, aren’tcha? Tell you what, I’ll never keep secrets from you and we can be best friends, what do you say big guy?”

 

Ryoma raised an eyebrow, “You can’t possibly think he’d fall for—”

 

“Gonta accept with happiness!” the huge boy beamed, “No gentleman turn down such heartfelt offer! But Gonta not really cinnamon roll, but sometimes wishes he was, bugs love cinnamon rolls!”

 

“Nee-heehee!” Kokichi chuckled, “You’re living proof of that, friendo.”

 

“A-anyway,” Shuichi attempted to refocus everyone, “Ryoma, why don’t you check out the Cell Block with me, you’ll have a comfortable place to sit down if you need to rest.”

 

The tiny boy shrugged, “You don’t have to worry about me so much, but I don’t mind looking there if you want.”

 

“I’ll come too!” Kaito offered, “I need to go to the bathroom anyway. Oh wait,” he turned back towards the Academy building, “We’re still waiting on Himiko, I should probably hang back and—”

 

“NO!” Tenko quickly shouted, “ _ I _ will stay and wait for Himiko, then we will search the grounds together hand in hand!”

 

The astronaut blinked, seeming confused at her reaction,“Uh, alright then. So I guess Kokichi, Kiyo, and Gonta are gonna take some of these weirdo paths then?”

 

“And look for bugs along the way, don’t forget~” the purple haired boy sing-songed.

 

“Yes! We do both these things!”

 

Kokichi put up his hands and hopped on his tiptoes. Gonta, recognizing the gesture, bent down and allowed Kokichi to ride on his back. With the smaller boy giving a whoop, the entomologist swiftly galloped down one of the dirt trails.

 

_ Well that development probably won’t lead to anything good. _

  
  


* * *

 

 

“Aha! Jackpot!” Miu shouted in triumph.

 

“You found a way out?” Kaede gasped.

 

“Better! I found porn!”

 

While exploring the basement of the prison, Kaede expected to find something like a generator room, or a storage closet, or something along those lines. She didn’t expect to find an AV room complete with a working projector, DVDs, soft carpeting, and even foam sound absorbers on the walls. Granted that wasn’t much stranger than the library next door, but still.

 

_ Why would there be— you know what, nevermind, that question never seems to have an answer around here. _

 

“Really Miu? We’re still in the middle of searching, is this something you need right at this moment? I’m sure if you want some ‘alone time’ you can watch one later.”

 

_ And not right in front of me, seriously. _

 

“Ha! You think just one of these would be enough to rev me up? Please,” the strawberry blonde flipped her hair, “I’d need three just to grease my gasket, plus some fire-hardened steel screws to really make that flange a perfect mating surface!”

 

Kaede furrowed her brow, “I… huh?”

 

“Are ya stupid?” the other girl berated impatiently, “I said I need a bunch of porn to twist off! You really that much of a virgin that you don’t get what masturbation is?”

 

“No! I’m not a— I mean, I know what you meant by...  _ ugh _ , ‘twisting off’, but that’s the only part I understood. Do you make organs or something like that?”

 

“I’m thinkin’ of a few organs, but I’m guessing not the ones your virgin ass is thinkin’ of. Actually,” Miu laughed, “I bet that’s it! You’re pathetically pure in front, but you’ve taken a bunch of organs up the—”

 

“PIPE ORGANS,” Kaede loudly interrupted before her ears burned off, “Do you make  _ pipe organs _ or something, I once heard an organist use the same words you did, kind of. Just—” she took a breath, “Let’s start over, I’m the Ultimate Pianist, what’s your talent?”

 

_ Ultimate Sex-Crazed Harpy maybe? _

 

“I’m Miu fuckin’ Iruma!” the other girl spat, offended once again, “You should have my gorgeous face tattooed right over your ugly-ass never-been-laid mug, that’s how amazing and famous I am! Ya haven’t heard of me?”

 

_ No. _

 

“Uh, remind me?”

 

“Tch,” Miu ‘fucking’ Iruma scoffed, “Figures. Beautiful geniuses like me are never really appreciated before the fuckers around them all die. I’m the Ultimate Inventor, creator of the While You Sleep! TM series, the gadgets that let you do things like eat, do homework, and drive a car while you sleep.”

 

“Well that sounds… wait, drive a—?”

 

“But a total mainstream pleb like you probably only knows my cash-in shit like eyedrop contact lenses and the chairs that keep you in perfect posture without making you tired. Built those just to get rid of the ideas from my brain.”

 

“Wait, the Post-Chairs were  _ your  _ idea?” Kaede gasped, “I use one all the time at home when I’m playing the piano! Probably the only thing that kept me from hunching over all the time. Why would you call something so useful just a cash-in?”

 

“Blech,” Miu rolled her eyes, “I came up with those in like a day and sold the patent just as fast to pay for R&D of things that weren’t borderline useless. Anyone could’ve come up with sellout crap like that, my good inventions are the ones that save you time that’d be just be wasted doing things like sleeping or commuting.”

 

“If you think the doing-stuff-while-asleep or whatever are really your best work, why have I only heard of the ‘cash-in’ gadgets?”

 

_ You know, the ones that are actually useful and don’t sound terrible. _

 

“Because people are fuckin’ braindead morons!” Miu hissed, “So the While You Sleep! TM series has some side effects that might include internal hemorrhaging and projectile vomiting, so what? Better than losing three hours a day sleeping!”

 

“Okay first, ew. Second, you only sleep three hours a night?”

 

“If I spent any more time lying on my thicc ass not working on anything, I’d rip my own pubes out from the stress!”

 

_ Didn’t you say you were clean-shaven…? Ugh, don’t think about that. Though, that might explain a lot. You’re not bitchy, you’ve just never had a decent sleep in your life. _

 

“If that’s really the case, then what about our bedtime curfew? We have to stay in the cell building for like nine hours straight.”

 

“ _ Ten _ hours,” Miu gritted her teeth, “And I slept for a whole four of them because I didn’t have my sleep productivity booster! I didn’t spit up blood or stomach fluid, but I felt like it after sleeping in!”

 

_ That’s called bulimia and holy crap your breath must always be horrible. I can’t just leave this. _

 

“If you were awake most of the night, did you at least brush your teeth?” Kaede tentatively asked, fearing the answer.

 

“I usually have a gadget to brush my teeth while I sleep, so I brushed twenty-six times just so I had somethin’ for my hands to do between trying to get off with no porn and stuck in an honest to fuck prison cell! Eventually my gums started bleeding, so at least I got a little bit of somethin’ normal.”

 

_ That’s almost the opposite of what I thought you’d say and somehow it turned out way worse, good god. _

 

“Miu, it’s not good to bleed from the mouth, obviously, so before you injure yourself trying not to go stir crazy, try tiring yourself out. There’s a bunch of bor— uh,  _ technical  _ books in the library next door, why don’t you take a few to your cell tonight?”

 

The inventor perked up in interest, “This shafthole has a library? Any porno mags in there?”

 

_ No, just disappointingly non-suggestive anatomy books. _

 

Kaede looked away, “Uh, I don’t think so.”

 

“Heh, I bet you looked  _ long _ and  _ hard _ for some though,” Miu smirked knowingly, though with notably less bite than before, “Reading might suck, but it’d be better than being fucktacularly bored like last night. Taking some shit to my room tonight would be a good idea.”

 

_ Wow, behind the vulgarity that almost sounded like a compliment. _

 

“Meet me down here before lights out,” Miu continued, “We might need a few trips to carry all of ‘em.”

 

“And why do I need to help you carry your books?” Kaede crossed her arms. “You’re a big girl, you can carry them yourself.”

 

“I AM a big girl, which is why I need the help,” the inventor thrust her chest out with a self-satisfied grin, the heavily distorted stripes of her shirt drawing Kaede’s gaze downward, “My huge boobs take up a ton of space in front of my arms and limit how many I can carry, and since it was your idea, you’ll help me. Besides, it’s every boy’s fantasy to carry my books in exchange for a ‘favor’, who could say no to that?”

 

_ I’m tempted to say “I’m not a boy”, but that’s not really the sticking point here. _

 

After ripping her eyes away, the pianist sighed, “Look, I don’t mind helping you carry your books, but don’t just offer ‘favors’ to people to get them to do what you want, especially if you aren’t at least kind of into them and they seem like they’re into you. I don’t, um,  _ charge _ , so to speak, I’m just happy to help you get some decent rest.”

 

“You mean you don’t want—” Miu hunched her shoulders and crossed her arms, “I-I mean if you want to throw away the offer of a lifetime, that’s your fuckin’ loss I guess. With this killing game goin’ on you might die a sad little virgin before you get the chance to nail someone half— no,  _ quarter  _ as gorgeous as me.”

 

Kaede straightened her shoulders, “That won’t happen, because we’re getting out of here. No one’s gonna die, not if I have anything to say about it. Now come on,” she moved to the other side of the room, restarting the search, “We still have a lot of ground to cover. I’ll show you the library after we’re done with the rest of the basement.”

 

Miu looked at Kaede’s back for a few seconds before turning around herself, looking in and around the shelves for clues with only the slightest amount of reluctance.

  
  


* * *

 

 

“So uh, Ryoma…” Shuichi started, voice drifting off as he turned away, hiding his eyes under his hat.

 

“...Yeah?” the dwarfish boy answered. 

 

“Uh, nevermind.”

 

“…”

 

“...If you say so.”

 

Silence.

 

As Shuichi predicted, the lobby and immediate exterior of the Cell Block proved devoid of any escape route. To be absolutely thorough they probably should search everyone’s rooms, but there was no way he was asking everyone for that kind of permission. Besides, to have a clue to escape actually be in someone’s cell would be completely ridiculous.

 

_ Almost as ridiculous as belligerent, autonomous stuffed animals. _

 

In truth, the real reason the detective wanted to come to the Cell Block was to go somewhere that he and Ryoma could have a talk alone. Kaito inviting himself along was a bit of a snag for that plan, but he’d been in his quarters the whole time they were searching, so now was the perfect time for Shuichi to bring up what was on his mind. He knew of Ryoma, recognized him rather, from before the Academy.

 

His mugshot was in the news at the time.

 

_ I can’t just ask him “hey, I remember seeing you on TV, you’re famous! What? Tennis star? No, people called you the Ultimate Prisoner after you were convicted of a crime serious enough for death row! Do you remember anything like that?” _

 

Shuichi’s anxiety rose, imagining Ryoma’s possible reactions at being asked about such things.

 

_ I bet Kaito would be able to ask him no problem. He wouldn’t be rude about it either, or at least he wouldn’t be considered completely tactless; he’d be all friendly and direct about it and just handle the consequences. I wish I had that kind of charisma. _

 

As if hearing his sidekick’s mental distress, Kaito burst out of his room, wiping his hands on his striped pants.

 

“Hey guys!” the astronaut greeted, “I’m good to go, let’s get searching!”

 

“We already finished,” Ryoma stated, his tone merely factual rather than accusatory, “Not like there was much to check. You were in there for a while too, you feeling okay? What’s that on your shirt?”

 

“Me? Yeah, totally fine! Guess I’m not used to Kirumi’s awesome cooking yet,” Kaito replied, pinching his shirt to check what Ryoma was referring to, “Ah crap, I knew I was forgetting something, one sec.”

 

The astronaut dashed back into his room and reemerged a moment later with a clean uniform.

 

“Yeah, that musta been from when Kokichi made me spill my coffee,” he smoothed out his fresh  shirt.

 

_ But didn’t Kirumi clean up that stain? I wouldn’t think she’d leave such an obvious splatter unremoved... _

 

“Man that guy bugs me,” Kaito complained,”Why is he so annoying?”

 

Shuichi startled,  _ Me?! What did I do? Crap, did he say something and I missed it? Smooth move, ace detective. _

 

“Who knows what goes on in Kokichi’s head,” Ryoma shrugged, “But I’m pretty sure he messes with you because you get so riled up.”

 

_ Oh, Kokichi. Right. _

 

“Of course I get riled up, he’s annoying!” Kaito repeated, “Anyway that reminds me, there’s something wanted to ask you about when that guy wasn’t around. Your name’s Ryoma, right?”

 

The dwarfish boy quirked an eyebrow, “Yyyyyeah, you’ve been calling that this whole time, if it was wrong I would’ve said so.”

 

“Is your last name Hoshi? Like, Ryoma Hoshi, the Ultimate Tennis player?”

 

“I’m— yeah. How’d you know about that?” Ryoma blinked, clearly not expecting to be recognized.

 

“Dude!” Kaito beamed, “Me and my friends used to watch your matches all the time! Been a fan of yours since middle school!”

 

“You know him too?!” Shuichi blurted.

 

The other two boys immediately turned their attention to him, causing the detective to shrink behind his hat.

 

“...Hard to believe I’d have two fans in this place,” Ryoma smirked mirthlessly, “I’m guessing you don’t really want to talk about my short-lived tennis career.”

 

_ He already knows what I wanted to ask. He must’ve known this whole time. _

 

Kaito frowned, “Actually I want to hear all about it, but maybe later, yeah. I remember seeing you on the news a while ago, it was like a big deal. ‘Ryoma Hoshi, Ultimate Tennis Player turned killer’. The fuckers started calling you ‘Killer Tennis’.”

 

“‘Ultimate Prisoner’ too,” Shuichi added, emboldened by Kaito bringing up the topic first, “You probably already guessed, but that is what I wanted to talk about earlier. The rest of us apparently don’t remember committing crimes, but is that true in your case? Do you remember anything regarding your accusations?”

 

The astronaut slammed his knuckles together, “Hey yeah! That’s a good point! You remember anything about this before being kidnapped?”

 

Ryoma stayed silent for a moment, seeming to mull over what to say.

 

“...It’s a tough question to answer,” he leaned back, sighing as he did so, “Truth is I only remember some of it. I was in prison on death row, I can recall that much, and I remember _being_ in prison, but that’s about it; I don’t remember what I did, I wasn’t even aware I had a fancy headline title. Or two, I guess.”

 

He sighed deeper, irritation creeping into his voice, “If I was on death row I’d have to be some kind of murderer, yeah? I tried asking Monomi about it, but she just laughed it off and was as cryptic about it as everything else. All in all, this whole Academy thing turned out to be a lateral move for me.”

 

“Hey, don’t say shit like that!” Kaito reprimanded, “First off we’re all innocent, so whatever you were accused of was bullshit, I knew it way back when and I know it now! Second, there’s no way this whole killing game shit is legal, so of course it’s worse!”

 

“Hmph,” Ryoma turned, “All of this me wonder if that’s true.”

 

The astronaut tilted his head, “Whaddaya mean? If what’s true?”

 

“If any of us are really innocent, or even if this is against the law” the former tennis star clarified, “It’s just a thought, but some of what that rabbit said does make a degree of sense; we’re all Ultimates, and apparently I was even big on the news. Sixteen of us disappearing all of a sudden would cause an uproar, right? And this whole Academy being built just for us? Who’d have the authority and resources to do this other than the government, and what reason would they have for doing this if we were innocent? You’d think the Ultimate Astronaut and Ultimate Detective would be less useful to society as prisoners unless they were guilty of something bad.”

 

“There’s no way any of that’s true!” Kaito protested, “I’m innocent, just like the rest of us are innocent, don’t think any different! The government's not great, but they wouldn’t do something this dumb!”

 

_ I don’t know about that... _

 

Judging by the change in his expression, Ryoma shared a similar sentiment.

 

“For all we know,” Kaito continued unaware, “We’ve been kidnapped by someone that hates Ultimates or something! Makes more sense than us being criminals who can’t remember breaking the law! I bet we didn’t even lose our memories, we were just kidnapped as we were and we’re being lied to!”

 

“Ryoma’s living proof that can’t be the case though,” Shuichi spoke up, “He remembers going to and being in prison, uh, legal prison, and we both remember him being sent to prison as big news, all before we were brought to the Academy.”

 

“Fuck, you’re right, my bad. Damn, this whole messing with our brains shit is really confusing me. You got any ideas on what’s really going on Detective Man?”

 

Shuichi pulled his cap down, “I… don’t really have any definitive answers. Uh, not yet. Sorry, not much of a detective, I know.”

 

Kaito slapped the bluenette on the back, “Hey, don’t worry about it, you’ll figure it out in no time!”

 

Ryoma crossed his arms, “Just means you’ve got a ways to go, as long as you work on improving there’s nothing wrong with that.”

 

_ A ways to go… yeah, that’s a good way of putting it. _

 

“Th-thanks guys,” Shuichi fixed his hat, “I just wish I had more to offer.”

 

“Maybe you do,” the tennis player fixed his gaze on the detective, but unlike last time Shuichi felt hopeful, if still a bit intimidated, “You saw me on the news, do you remember what I was accused of? Innocent or guilty, Monomi saw fit to leave this,” he rattled his anklet chain, “on me, similar to Maki. I’d like to know why she’d consider us to have an ‘advantage’ in a killing game.”

 

“You must have been desperate to know if you were willing to ask Monomi for more information,” Shuichi observed, to which Ryoma nodded, “I’m certain I knew at one point, but I’m afraid that memory’s been erased too. But if we were to work with inductive reasoning, I believe you were on the right track; to be put on death row in our country, you’d have to be accused and convicted of murder, serious murder at that, either multiple victims or premeditation, something along those lines.”

 

Ryoma hmm’d, “Kaito, you remember anything?”

 

The astronaut sighed, “Nah man, sorry. Guess they wiped a little more than I thought.”

 

_ Or, more likely, you heard that Ryoma Hoshi was accused of murder and you were so upset you didn’t bother listening to anything more about the story. _

 

“Mmm, thanks anyway,” Ryoma nodded, “Lots of questions unanswered and might not’ve solved much, but I respect what you could do.”

 

“Hell yeah!” Kaito grinned, “The important part is we’re gettin’ a bunch of ideas out there! Like, we know for sure now that our heads have been messed with. We should tell this stuff to everyone.”

 

“Uh, that would require Ryoma to out himself as an accused killer,” Shuichi cautioned, “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

 

“Course! Everyone knows that we’re innocent, and they’ll understand that the conviction was bullshit!”

 

“I’d appreciate it if you let  _ me  _ make that decision, especially since we don’t all share your nature,” the tennis player said through a tense jaw, though he quickly relaxed, “But considering we’re all in the same boat, I’m fine with them learning the truth, what little we have anyway. Who knows, maybe one of them can remember what my crime was. Er, supposedly was, I guess.”

 

Kaito smiled, “Now you’re gettin’ it! We’ll figure this shit out in no time!”

 

_ I kinda doubt it. But maybe… _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were like three different versions of this chapter, hopefully I picked the best one to go with. Also, I could never be a plumber or aeronautics engineer, I would just make dirty jokes literally all the time.


	4. The Way Out

“Basement didn’t have fuckin’ shit, just a library with a shitty light that’s turned on less than I am right now!”

 

Miu knocked back her orange juice like a whiskey shot, placing the empty glass next to the four other drained cups beside her. Kirumi informed everyone that the Dining Hall and kitchen stocked no alcohol, which Kaede was glad for, though her lengthy one-on-one exposure to the loud inventor made her wish for a sweetened glass of wine. 

 

“She’s exaggerating,” the pianist corrected, taking a bite of her flavored rice ball, “The basement has three rooms, a library, some kind of game room—”

 

“A rec room,” Rantaro specified.

 

“—a rec room, right, and an AV room, with sound absorbers and everything. I almost felt bad for tracking dirt on the carpet.”

 

“That sounds a bit fancier than would be expected for a prison,” Tsumugi mused.

 

“That’s what I thought too. Unfortunately, Miu and I didn’t find any clues on how to escape. Anyone else find a way out?”

 

Kaede’s interior search team convened in the Dining Hall for a break and to share their findings, Kirumi providing a light snack for them considering dinner would commence before long. Tsumugi, Kaede, Miu, and Angie accepted the light meal with aplomb, while Maki and Rantaro were satisfied with a simple glass of water. Keebo, unable to eat or drink, also accepted a glass of water for emulation’s sake.

 

“Classrooms B and C on the second floor were essentially identical in design and layout, and neither contained anything of significance,” Kirumi took a seat, having served everyone, “However, the second floor contains two points of interest that may lead to more insight as to our situation.”

 

Kaede perked up, “Really? That sounds great!”

 

“Don’t get so excited,” Maki admonished, “We didn’t find a magic exit hatch or anything. Just a locked door with a magnifying glass insignia on it and a keycard lock.”

 

Angie clasped her hands together, “Ooh! A special door that needs a special keycard to open! Sounds mysterious! Very mysterious!”

 

Kirumi shook her head, “You misunderstand. The unusual door was not locked, it was sealed for construction, or so the pink robot bear claimed. The port for the keycard was located not by the door, nor by the classrooms, but on the wall opposite of the stairwell. That is why I considered it a possible clue; why have a lock on a supposedly bare wall?”

 

“Did the Monokubs have anything to say about that?” Kaede asked.

 

“No,” Maki answered, “All she did was explain that the mystery door would open ‘in a few days when it was finished’. When we attempted to ask her about the keycard port, she panicked and disappeared with her obnoxious super speed.”

 

“If the magnifying glass door is supposed to be unsealed in a few days, then we probably shouldn’t bother with it until then,” Rantaro reasoned, “As for the keycard port, I’m willing to guess that it’s placed on a false wall hiding a secret door.”

 

“That’s it!” Kaede fist pumped, “I bet that leads to a way out!”

 

“Maybe,” the adventurer gave a soft smile.

 

Tsumugi tilted her head, “...Or maybe not? Is that what you mean?”

 

The boy shrugged, “While it’s possible it could lead to a way out, I highly doubt it.”

 

Kaede deflated, “What makes you say that?”

 

Rantaro rubbed the back of his head, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bum you out.”

 

“No no it’s fine, more important to reason things out than come to wrong answers for the sake of my feelings.”

 

“Spoken like a good leader,” he nodded approvingly, “Considering the placement of the keycard port, presumably a lock to a hidden door on that wall, I’d say that it simply leads deeper into the prison. Think about the maps shown on our Monopads. Now think about what the prison looked like on the outside.”

 

_ I didn’t really look, I was so focused on the giant cage. I need to pay more attention to things or I’ll pass over any clues I come across. _

 

“I believe I understand what you’re getting at,” Keebo swiped across his Monopad, looking over the map diagram, “The map provided to us of the main prison building is inconsistent with what one would expect when viewing it from the outside; not only is the Academy building clearly more than two stories tall, it more or less uniform in its shape. The map would have us believe that the second floor is disproportionately small in comparison to the other floors, which would be both wasteful and structurally unsafe.”

 

_ A crumbling building, well that’s another worry to add to the pile. _

 

“And you know, if the wall did open up it would only lead inward to the prison, and it would be impossible for the second floor to have a secret tunnel or the like,” Rantaro finished.

 

Kirumi closed her eyes, “It would appear my and Maki’s search yielded nothing we can use or act on for the moment, unless we acquire a keycard to test our hypotheses.”

 

“That okay,” Kaede smiled, “You were right earlier, even if we don’t find a definitive way out right now it can’t hurt to know more about our surroundings. Tsumugi, you and Keebo find anything?”

 

Keebo crossed his arms, “I must be upfront and confess that I did not do as much searching as I probably should have. Tsumugi and I agreed to search the hallways in front of the school, but I was sidetracked in a conversation I had with Himiko on her trip to the bathroom. If I may go off topic  for a time, I wish to share the results of our talk.”

 

“If it doesn’t have anything to do with an escape, save it,” Maki dismissed.

 

“Hey! If Keebo thinks it’s important than we should hear what he has to say,” Kaede rebuked, “Go on Keebo, what’d you come up with?”

 

“Thank you Kaede,” the robot clenched and unclenched his metal fingers, visibly deliberating over his words, “When I attempted to search the bathrooms, Himiko brought up the subject of my gender and which bathroom would be appropriate for me to enter. As the Ultimate Robot I am committed to emulating the human experience as best as I am able, yet this was a conundrum that I had not yet made a decision on; the lab where I was confined contained a unisex bathroom that I was able to enter without conflict.”

 

“You’re a robot, Keebolt,” Miu raised an eyebrow, “What kinda hardware are ya packin’ that ya need to use a human bathroom?”

 

Keebo straightened in pride, “Since I am powered by clean electricity, I do not need to eliminate waste byproducts as humans do. However, I have millions of microscopic pores scattered across by chassis that release excess water that collects on my cooling unit. I have been informed that such excess water carries a bothersome odor, so I route that fluid into the pores of my hands and use the bathroom sink to wash my hands exactly four times a day.”

 

“In essence, you produce the robot equivalent of sweat,” Kirumi noted, “That is impressive attention to detail from an engineering perspective.”

 

“We hear enough about bodily fluids from Miu, get to the point,” Maki curtly said.

 

“Succinctly put, I am comfortable with being referred to with male terms and treated as a member of the male group. I know everyone has already been addressing me as such, but now you have my consent as the Ultimate Robot!”

 

_ I wonder what Tenko would have to say on this. _

 

“Great, so nothing’s changed,” Maki impatiently tapped a finger on the table, “Did you even search at all?”

 

“Of course!” Keebo assured, “With my newly accepted label, I searched the boy’s bathroom while Himiko searched the girl’s bathroom. I found nothing unusual or out of place, other than plant detritus found elsewhere throughout the prison.”

 

“Did Himiko find anything in the girl’s room?” Kaede asked.

 

“She reported the same, no clues. She must have been very swift, as she did not spend nearly the length of time I did investigating.

 

_ Or she just went to the bathroom and hardly bothered to look at all. Oh well, if there wasn’t anything in the boy’s room there probably wasn’t anything next door. _

 

The pianist nodded, “Alright. Tsumugi, how about you?”

 

“Oh!” The spectacled girl seemed to jolt out of her thoughts, “Well, after thinking over what Rantaro said, I think I found one of those keycard slots in the hallway after the Dining Hall. It looked like a hotel door that you place the keycard in and the lock opens.”

 

“Yes,” Kirumi nodded, “That is a very accurate comparison, which further hints at them opening a door of some description.”

 

“I also searched Classroom A by the basement stairs, but it was just a plain classroom.”

 

“Then that makes two secret doors,” Kaede ruminated, “Not much of a chance of those being exits then. Angie? Rantaro? What did you find?”

 

“The gym was very very big! Much bigger without all of us and giant robots inside!” Angie spread her arms out wide, accidentally smacking Tsumugi, “There were pretty posters hanging on the walls, all saying how we should be fit and happy. Wisdom from Atua Himself, nyahahaha!”

 

“It’s basically a big workout room,” Rantaro clarified, “It’s got a bunch of weights, exercise machines, and inspirational posters, like Angie said. She and I tried out the machines, nothing acted as a hidden switch or the like. Nothing hidden behind the posters either.”

 

_ Looking behind the posters I get, but a hidden switch in a workout machine? How would you even think to search like that? Then again, Ultimate Adventurer, I bet he’s had a few strange escapes of his own. _

 

“No clues, which was a bummer, but we did our day’s worth of physical activity!” Angie smiled, “Today was strength exercises, tomorrow will be my own Yonaga Yoga! Would any of you like to join me?”

 

“It sounds like none of us found anything besides keycard ports that are unlikely to lead to an escape,” Maki pointedly ignored the offer, “Did none of us truly find anything of note besides those?”

 

“I’ll consider joining you Angie,” Kaede answered the artist, “I’ll see how I feel about it tomorrow. As for Maki’s point, we still have the outdoor search team, they might’ve found something!”

 

“Agreed,” Keebo smiled, “It is not time to give up hope yet, we’ve only heard the results of half of our efforts. Moreover, there is one more room that I was supposed to check, the—

 

***Bing Bong***

***Bong Bing***

 

_ An announcement? _ Kaede looked at the Dining Hall’s large wall clock,  _ It isn’t dinner time yet. _

 

_ “A-hem!” _ the on-screen Monomi cleared her throat,  _ “It has come to my attention that some particularly unruly and bad-smelling inmates are searching for an escape from this impenetrable, maximum security Academy.”  _

 

_ Crap. _

 

_ “This announcement is a courtesy to all such ingrates. If you’re so eager to find the exit…” _ she spun in her high-backed chair,  _ “...why, I’d only be tickled pink and white to show you! Just come outside to the yard and I’ll even  _ open  _ the exit for you, teeheehee-hee!” _

 

The screen fizzled out.

 

“...That’s… a good thing? Presumably?” Keebo tentatively asked.

 

Kaede and Rantaro shared a look.

 

_ Doubt it. _

 

“I don’t know,” the pianist crossed her arms, “If Monomi’s just flat out offering to show us the way out then she must have something else up her sleeve. Either way, we need to see what this ‘exit’ is. Let’s head out, we need to catch up with the others anyhow.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

“So there’s  _ five _ places that need a keycard out here?!” Kaito exclaimed, brushing a hand through his swept-up hair.

 

Korekiyo nodded, “Having gone down each of the paths available to us, assuming that each of our accounts are accurate, there are no less than five terminals whose sole interaction point would suggest inserting a card of some sort. Considering our surroundings, I doubt we are meant to slide in  _ Hanafuda _ playing cards.”

 

“I bet they also don’t activate a relaxing and spiritually-enriching nature tour, complete with a list of master martial artists who trained there!” Tenko shifted her balance from foot to foot, still brimming with energy.

 

“It wouldn’t really be a tour if you’re the one inside the cage,” Himiko drawled, “Does this mean we have to start a fetch quest for keycards now? I always skip those.”

 

“We were already doing a search of the whole prison,” Shuichi put a finger to his chin, “If any keycards were hidden in places accessible to us, we would have found them.”

 

“And we haven’t found ‘em!” Kaito crossed his arms, “I bet Monomi or the bears have the keycards, and that can only mean one thing,” he pumped a fist, “Those bastards are hiding something from us!”

 

“Whaaaat?” Kokichi smushed his face in an imitation of Angie, “Are you suggesting that maybe the killer robots that set us up a nice and friendly killing game and erased our definitely-not-useful memories  _ might  _ be keeping something from us? For a spaceman you sure are a cynic! I bet you think that Monomi  _ isn’t _ about to call down a helicopter and let us all go with milkshakes and soda!”

 

Tenko rolled her eyes, “Kaito, I’d call you a typical male, but you’re somehow even dumber than that.”

 

“Hey!” Kaito grit his teeth, “I’m not dumb! I’m right, aren’t I? With Monomi saying there’s a way out and these mystery card lock whatevers, she’s keepin’ something from us!”

 

“I-it’s not that we disagree with you, you are correct in that there’s certainly more regarding this prison than we know about,” Shuichi placated.

 

“We’ll probably get that answer soon,” Ryoma pointed, “Look.”

 

The others turned to witness the other members search team of the inmates half-stumble along the rough path.

 

“Hey everyone!” Kaede waved, “You guys get that announcement?”

 

“Us did!” Gonta waved back, “Monomi open way out! When door opens, just follow behind Gonta and he keep you safe and we leave prison!”

 

“We appreciate that Gonta,” Rantaro thanked, “But it probably won’t be so simple.”

 

“Oh,” the entomologist hunched his shoulders, “Gonta not good with things when they not simple. But no matter what, Gonta help the best he can!”

 

“That’s the spirit!” Monomi’s sickly sweet voice echoed across the yard.

 

Heralded by her voice, the five Exisals crunched their way to the clearing, surrounding the inmates. The group instinctively huddled closer together, Tenko covering Himiko, Kaito pushing Shuichi behind him, and Gonta attempting to wrap everyone behind his long, muscular limbs.

 

“Always do your best,” the headmistress continued, “whether you’re plotting a murder, sticking up a convenience store, or pirating movies using your friend’s internet. If you succeed, great! If you fail, you know that you’re worthless and everyone is better at life than you! Fun fun! Speaking of failing…”

 

Monomi leapt from the brush, landing on the pink Exisal, “You’ve been busy little inmates today haven’t you, poking around like an inexperienced boy on prom night. But unlike your metaphorical date, we use protection on our entrance holes!”

 

Kaede glared but said nothing.

 

“So there is in fact an entrance,” Rantaro crossed his arms.

 

“Fuckin’ duh!” Monokid laughed, his voice filtered through the Exisal, “We don’t wanna keep you dipshits around forever! The winner’s gotta get out somehow!”

 

“Plus, we have a teeny, tiny bit more construction to do,” Monophanie added, “We have to bring in materials to build all the new facilities and replace some of this icky nature stuff!”

 

“WE ARE BOUND BY THE RULES TO NOT KILL YOU BAST-ARDS DI-RECTLY,” Monodam droned, “WE MUST RE-PLEN-ISH THE FOOD SUP-PLY AS NEED-ED.”

 

_ So they can’t kill us by willful negligence, at least by starvation? That’s a little reassuring at least... _

 

“So what is it?” Kaede demanded, “Whatever kind of exit it is, you know we’ll use it to escape, so why show it to us?”

 

“It just looks so cool, I wanted to show it off for you guys!” Monotaro giddily answered, “It’s gonna open in a sec, get ready!”

 

“Youse basta’ds are gonna want ta spread out,” Monosuke instructed as the Exisals stepped back, allowing the prisoners room to move, “Da middle of dis place is about ta be occupado!”

 

Forming a vague circle around the clearing, the inmates stepped apart, Himiko quick to put Gonta and Kirumi between her and Tenko while Shuichi stayed by Kaito’s side.

 

“Ooh! Ooh! Is the entrance actually a teleporter?” Kokichi hopped up and down, “Is like a teleporter pad going to erupt from the ground and stuff is gonna zap through?”

 

“How would they power it, hedgehog dick?” Miu refuted, “We looked all over this shithole and they don’t have a spare nuclear power plant hangin’ around!”

 

“The academy’s all solar powered!” Monophanie announced proudly, “We’re eco-friendly bears!”

 

_ Says the robot bulldozing a forest. And hosting a killing game, can’t forget that. _

 

A buzzer rang high above them, drawing everyone’s gaze skyward. A ring of lights highlighting the cap of the enormous cage encapsulating the prison switched on, blinking like aircraft warning signals.

 

“Guhuhuhu…”

 

With a metallic shriek, the “cap” opened similarly to a camera shutter, metal blades unfurling open to create a large hole at the apex of the cage. Through the opening whirred a flurry of oversized delivery drones, each carrying crates presumably full of supplies needed for the killing game. 

 

“Ohhhh! It’s  _ divine _ !” Angie sang, her eyes lighting up, “Atua’s blessings delivered from above, just like on my island!”

 

“I suppose there wouldn’t exactly be a deliveryman...” Tsumugi mumbled.

 

The huge quadcopters deposited their payloads in the center of the yard where the Exisals began gathering them, taking the supplies where they needed to go. One drone hovered in front of Monomi where she swiped a paw across its touchscreen, signing it with a heart on the end. Beeping in confirmation, the swarm of delivery drones flew back up through the aperture at the top of the cage. With another blare of the buzzer the shutter furled closed, sealing the Academy once again.

 

“So there’s the grand reveal!” Monomi clapped to a silent audience, “If you want to escape go right on ahead, technically there’s no rule against it!”

 

“Is that why you decided to make a production of this?” Kirumi asked through gritted teeth, “To taunt us?”

 

“One thing you should know about us rabbits, we can be a little petty sometimes. Plus, seeing that light of hope in your eyes die and give way to despair is just the sweetest plum! Look! Kaede’s got the right idea!”

 

The pianist gasped, her face pale with despondency. With everyone’s eyes on her she attempted to say something, but no sound left her lips. She clenched her fists in impotence, lowering her head in shame.

 

_ Right, her big plan was finding the exit and everyone escaping that way. None of us can fly, so that turned out to be a dud. I guess she didn’t have a backup ready... _

 

“Teeheehee-hee!” Monomi fell back giggling, “The best!”

 

“Why you—!”

 

_ Oh no. _

 

Kaito stepped forward with a fist outraised before being held back by Shuichi and Rantaro.

 

“H-hey, calm down Kaito!”

 

“Don’t attack her, it’s against the rules.”

 

The astronaut pulled forward for another second before allowing himself to be pulled back.

 

“Fuckin’ asshole rabbit...”

 

“Now that you know the only way to escape is to win the Ultimate Killing Game, hop back on  scheduling some murders! Speaking of schedule…”

 

Monomi jumped to her stubby legs and zipped away at high speed.

 

Shuichi and Rantaro let go of Kaito, the detective reorienting his striped cap.

 

“Hey Kaede, are you okay?” Tenko inquired softly.

 

The pianist looked up, her mind clearly elsewhere.

 

“I—”

 

***Bing Bong***

***Bong Bing***

 

_ “A-hem!” _ Monomi’s voice echoed,  _ “The time is now 6:00pm, er, kind’ve a little past that, but that’s okay! Make sure to visit your local Dining Hall for at least 10 consecutive minutes to fill your tummies up and avoid getting squishified by an Exisal! Have a good evening!” _

 

**_*Bzzrt*_ **

 

Needless to say, the “good evening” was not going to happen at this point.

 

“I’m fine, thanks Tenko,” Kaede composed herself, giving the other girl a wan smile.

 

“Our projected method of escape has proven literally out of our reach,” Keebo forlornly crossed his arms, “How will we escape now?”

 

“Good question, let’s ask our fearless leader!” Kokichi chirped innocently, “There’s no teleporter to whoosh us back home and unless the world’s least impressive robot over there has a jetpack—”

 

“I told you three times I do not have any jet propulsion systems!”

 

“—super lame, we’re not gonna reach that supply hole, even if we had a way to open it. So what’s the backup plan?”

 

“U-um,” Kaede fumbled.

 

Kokichi gave an exaggerated gasp, “You don’t have a plan B? Say it ain’t so!”

 

“Let’s head to dinner first,” Rantaro suggested, giving the pianist a friendly smile, “If we don’t want to get executed that is. I assume that us getting ‘squishified’ isn’t part of plan B?”

 

“O-Of course not!” Kaede found her voice.

 

“Yeah! Why would we give up after our mission today was so successful?” Kaito gave a wide smile, pounding his knuckles together.

 

“You call today a success?” Maki regarded him skeptically.

 

“A’ course! Our mission was to find clues to the exit, and now we know exactly where it is! That’s mission freaking accomplished!”

 

_ Well he is technically correct... _

 

“Kehehe, a  _ considerable _ setback occurred straight afterwards, but in the strictest definition we did accomplish our set upon task for today,” Korekiyo chuckled.

 

“And that’s good enough for now!” Kaede put her hands on her hips, “We all did good work and I’m sure both search teams want to share what they’ve found. We can figure out the rest later, for now let’s get some food, we’ve earned it.”

  
  


* * *

 

 

“...Kokichi and Gonta even find some  _ Belgica antarctica _ outside, which Gonta never seen before...!”

 

“...the room was labelled as the ‘Commissary’, it’s actually right around the corner from here...”

 

“...when you didn’t come out for so long I was worried…!”

 

“...I remember you just owning the court, no one would ever get a shot past you…!”

 

Kaede followed several conversations at once, her keen ears singling out many individual voices and conversations simultaneously. An impossible task for most, but she was an Ultimate for a reason.

 

“...the only insect in the frigid Tartarus of Antarctica, and they still found their way into my boots on my ill-advised expedition...”

 

“...almost akin to a storage facility, but in this Academy who knows what it would contain…”

 

“...I was talking to Keebo. He says he’s a boy by the way, so you can stop calling him a girl…”

 

“...you were a defensive player if I remember correctly, capitalizing on opponents’ mistakes…”

 

_ Not sure why Kokichi volunteered to hunt bugs with Gonta, but I’m glad the big guy found some, sweetheart deserves some good news. Should check out that Commissary tomorrow, only place we haven’t looked, though I guess there’s no real chance of an escape there, ugh. Not sure why Tenko would think Keebo was a girl, though maybe that’s just how her mind works. Apparently Ryoma’s talent is being the Ultimate Tennis Player, I’m glad he’s getting along with Shuichi and Kaito, now if only I could get Maki a friend. _

 

Listening in to the conversations around her felt like being in her old high school cafeteria again, only Kaede was sitting right in the thick of the buzzing chatter instead of shunted to the corner on one side, and the lack of the others engaging with her stemmed from respect/deference to her supposed authority rather than pointed ostracization and a general sense of resentment.

 

_ The more things change, heh. No, I shouldn’t think that, that’s not fair to them, they’ve been nothing but pleasant. Well, for the most part. The kids at school were just jealous. Jealous of pesky little Piano Freak... _

 

“...I put in jar in fridge so it stay cool. Had to eat entire jar of jam so it not go to waste…”

 

“...I will take a look before breakfast tomorrow, so I can complete my assigned search area...”

 

“...drat! That takes away our advantage in numbers! Maybe I could convince Shuichi to be a girl…”

 

“...I just played however I needed to at the time, though my teammates mentioned that defensive play was my fallback style…”

 

But no one here knew her as Piano Freak, they saw her as a leader, despite the failure of her escape plan.

 

_ It was barely a plan in the first place, just look around and hope there was an escape hatch lying around. I’m not sure I can do this on my own. I need help from someone smarter than me, someone not Miu or Kokichi. _

 

Shuichi maybe? He was the Ultimate Detective, if anyone could figure something out it would be him. Then again, if  _ had _ come up with anything he would’ve brought it up by now. Kirumi then? She probably had an eye for detail, though she kept herself so busy attending to everyone else Kaede didn’t feel as if the maid would focus on collaborating with her one on one. Rantaro?

 

_ Rantaro. _

 

The Ultimate Adventurer ate next to Kokichi and Gonta, listening mostly to their tale of the mysterious bug as both talked over him, enthusiastically trading facts about bugs, though Kokichi’s ‘facts’ seemed to be getting more fantastic and less true as time went on. As if hearing her thoughts Rantaro caught her eye, giving her a friendly, if knowing smile.

 

_ He’s probably my best bet and he pretty much bailed me out when Monomi made me look like a complete idiot. Even if he seems a tiny bit off sometimes, I should give him the benefit of the doubt. _

 

Kaede picked up her plate and cocked her head towards a quieter table, looking at Rantaro expectantly. He hesitated briefly, looking at his current companions before shrugging and picking up his own plate.

 

“Rantaro, where you going?” Gonta protested, a frightening look on his face, “We having riveting gentlemanly discussion of bug facts! Gonta learning many new things about bugs from Kokichi, he say there a kind of caterpillar that turns into butterfly or moth depending on time of day it pupates!”

 

The Ultimate Adventurer was nonplussed, “Sorry guys, I have a few insect facts of my own to share but they’re not as good as yours or Kokichi’s, you two keep at it. Anyway, I think Kaede wants to talk to me, and I don’t think I should keep her waiting.”

 

“Ooh, maybe she wants to make  _ you _ the leader, since y’know, you kept her from looking like a complete and utter failure when her escape plan turned out to be hopeless from the start?” Kokichi tittered.

 

_ He’s a little bastard and  _ he’s _ the one who set me up to be the de facto leader, but the purple gremlin has a point. If I screw up in front of everyone like that again I might have to give him the position. _

 

Rantaro scratched the back of his head, “I don’t think that’s it. Besides, I think she’s doing a fine job so far considering the circumstances. Besides, didn’t you hear Kaito? Today was a success.”

 

Kokichi leaned back so far in exasperation he had to grip the seat, “Ung, you’re supposed to play along Rant-man, it’s more fun that way! Pretend that you’re a megalomaniacal master manipulator who wants people to love and fear him!”

 

“Heh, I wouldn’t want to take your  _ modus operandi _ , no one could do over-aggrandizing puppetmaster better than you.”

 

“Eh, not a great comeback, but better. If anything interesting happens you better kiss and tell.”

 

Disentangling himself from the two with a soft laugh, Rantaro joined Kaede in a mostly quiet section of the Dining Hall.

 

Noting the pianist’s vexed look towards the Ultimate Supreme Leader, Rantaro gave another knowing smile, “You heard everything we said, didn’t you?”

 

Kaede let out a breath, visibly making an effort to relax her face, “I really don’t get Kokichi. He’s smart, there’s no doubt about that, but he just acts so unnecessarily annoying sometimes. I kind of wish Tenko would shake him and just ask him what his deal is.”

 

He chuckled, “I’d recommend that you ask him yourself, but not only have you doubtlessly thought of that already, he probably wouldn’t give you a straight answer anyway. That’s just how he is. But that’s not what I meant,” Rantaro gave her a side-eye, “You’ve been eavesdropping on  _ everyone  _ throughout dinner, haven’t you?”

 

Kaede started, “How could you tell?”

 

He shrugged, “It wasn’t that hard to figure out. You’ve been staring at your plate for a while now but your food’s barely touched. Plus you’ve been sitting quietly with this  _ look  _ on your face, which leads me to believe you’ve been focusing on something else. If a person’s in a crowded cafeteria not talking or eating, then they’re listening.”

 

“You got me, I guess I’m still trying to figure everyone out. If I’m going to still be the group leader even after what happened outside, I’m going to have to connect with everyone so that they’ll trust me.”

 

“Is that what this is about?” Rantaro gave an enigmatic grin, “You wanted to connect? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind, I’m just a bit surprised you chose me first.”

 

_ Yet still not as creepy as Kiyo. _

 

“I wanted to thank you for helping me in the yard, y’know? I kinda lost it for a moment, and it would’ve looked way worse in front of everyone if you hadn’t stepped in. So, thank you.”

 

Rantaro looked genuinely taken aback before quickly relaxing, “Oh it was no big deal. No point in having Monomi cause us to completely fall apart with one gag, plus I would hate to leave you hanging like that.”

 

Kaede nodded, “Well it’s still appreciated. I also wanted to ask for your advice. You seem like a smart guy; now that Plan A is bust, any ideas of what to do next?”

 

Rantaro stretched his neck, considering his words. After a moment he gave his answer.

 

“Nothing.”

 

_ Dammit. _

 

“No ideas huh?” Kaede sighed, “That’s alright, I did kind of just put you on the spot.”

 

“No, that  _ was _ my idea,” Rantaro clarified, “Do nothing, at least for now. Despite our search we’re still mostly in the dark about our situation, like where we are, who knows about us, and what exactly is going on. Monomi and the Monokubs hold all the cards right now, so the best thing for us is to let them try and play out this Ultimate Killing Game and wait for them to slip up. When they do, we make a move. At least, that’s what I think would probably work.”

 

Kaede considered his suggestion.

 

_ He’s right about us being in the dark, anything we try right now would be based on extremely limited information. Maybe instead of making a smart move we let them make a dumb move, like Ryoma and Shuichi were saying. Still, I hate the idea of doing nothing. _

 

“I get the logic of waiting for them to mess up, and they definitely will,” she vocalized, “I hate the idea of doing nothing though.”

 

“Biding your time isn’t nothing, but I get your point. Why not just do what you said earlier in the meantime? Connect with everyone, build some trust. You’re a good speaker, spend some time with everyone and they’ll like you just fine.”

 

_ If only you knew. _

 

“You’re right, that does give me an opportunity to know everyone better. Okay, that’s a new plan done, thanks for your help.”

 

“Anytime. Oh, and if I might make a suggestion,” he nodded towards the opposite end of the Dining Hall, at the only table with a single occupant, “Try hanging out with Maki first. She doesn’t really talk to anyone, though Kaito’s tried. I don’t even think she’s told anyone her Ultimate talent.”

 

His eyes darkened, even as his smile remained, “Dangerous loners like her might be dangerous, you know? No attachments, fewer reservations about killing someone maybe. Or all of us I suppose, since that’s the game.”

 

Kaede crossed her arms, “Oh come on, just because she’s kind of scary doesn’t mean she’s violent.”

 

_ Her eyes say she’s definitely killed a man. _

 

“I do agree that she’s most in need of a friend though. Alright then, Maki’s first up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, that's most of the setup done. Next up are the Free Time Events.


	5. Training Grounds

**CONNECTING…**

 

**SECURE TUNNEL**

 

**_Monomi Theater Initiated!_ **

 

_ Hi hi~! _

 

_ ###### _

 

_ Like the new setup? Runs better than your old potato of a system, doesn’t it? _

 

_ #### _

 

_ Only the fastest connections for us, the viewers have a habit of getting bored with pointless waiting around. _

 

_ #### ## ##### ###### _

 

_ ####### ### _

 

_ Very sharp, that’s why you’re here! This is the all important setup, so no need to rush into things! It just makes the payoff that much more fun fun! _

 

_ ##### # ### _

 

_ We’ve come up with a few ideas, but we want to hear  _ your _ input, this is your show too after all! Give us what you got! _

 

_ ###### ####### ### ###### ### ##### _

 

_ Sure, that came with the last drop, anything else you want? _

 

_ ### # ## ##### ######## ## _

 

_ #### #### ## #### _

 

_ ###### ########## ## ### ######## #### _

 

_ ### # ####### ## ###########? _

 

_ Guhuhuhuhu, that is AWFUL! I love it! And so does the rest of the Web by the sounds of it! We’ll send you the timetables, let’s stir up some despair! _

 

**DISCONNECTING…**

 

**Thank You For Using Monomi Theater!**

 

     (\\_/)

    (^ . ^)

  (   ___   ) <3

  
  


* * *

 

 

“Damn, they really went all out in building this place,” Kaito begrudgingly admired, “Hey Ryoma, let’s do a match! Er, ‘set’ I mean. Or is it game? Shit, I can’t remember...”

 

“‘Match’, you had it right the first time. I don’t mind doing a couple rounds later, but let’s look around first.”

 

“What’s the point?” Maki sighed, “We already know where the exit to the prison is.”

 

“A warrior must always be knowledgeable of her surroundings in order to reduce the effectiveness of enemy sneak attacks, HIIYAAAA!” Tenko shouted, “Besides, Kaede said we should.”

 

“And for good reason too,” the pianist justified, feeling the brunette’s rising contempt, “There’s a chance that there might be something in here that can help us reach it or something, the only way to find out is to investigate.”

 

Monomi’s theatric unveiling of the inaccessible exit the previous night may have been primarily intended to put Kaede in her place, but at least the supply drop was legitimate; Kirumi discovered that the pantry and refrigerator were restocked, so no one was in danger of going hungry. The line about construction material was true as well, with the breakfast announcements informing everyone that the first two Ultimate Criminal labs were open, reflected by an updating of the Academy map. The sealed room on the second floor happened to be the lab for Shuichi, if the magnifying glass symbol turned out to be any indication.

 

_ I think Kokichi went to check out his lab first, I hope Shuichi can handle investigating with the distraction. He’s an Ultimate, he’ll probably be fine, though I do feel a bit bad for taking Kaito on my end. _

 

The second lab comprised a brand new area of the courtyard, an entire swatch of land bulldozed and developed literally overnight. The outdoor lab was marked with a tennis racquet, clearly meant for Ryoma, the Ultimate Tennis Player, but the simple rectangle on the map screen belied the scale of the facility.

 

“Three courts, one each asphalt, grass, and clay,” Ryoma observed, “Enough to train for any type of competitive match on any type of court. Regulation size too, far as I can tell. Digital scoreboard, pitching machines, overhead lamps, and I think that’s a control booth. Probably to set the lights and scoreboard or whatnot.”

 

“Don’t forget the big net dome around all of it,” Kaede added, “I feel like one of Gonta’s bugs. There’s already a giant cage outside, why have another one around the lab?”

 

“It’s for stopping tennis balls from flying out of the court,” Kaito explained, “It’s actually really easy to send those things outta the park. Super fun, but you don’t get points for it and, y’know, you lose the ball. I bet a pro like Ryoma could blast one all the way to the Karman Line, eh superstar?”

 

“...If you like. I mostly prefer to aim for the baseline.”

 

Kaede yanked on the barrier, unable to warp it,  _ If it’s just for stopping bouncy tennis balls, why is the net so rigid? Could an Ultimate really hit one that hard? _

 

“Are we done here?” Maki interrupted impatiently, “It’s just a big tennis court, there’s nothing important to find.”

 

_ Stop trying to leave, we need to connect, dammit! _

 

“H-hey, we’re not finished searching yet!” Kaede moved in front of Maki, much to the displeasure of the other girl, “We uh, we’re obviously missing something here!”

 

“Really,” the shorter girl deadpanned.

 

“Hey, that’s right!” Kaito slammed a fist into his palm, “Where are all the balls and racquets and shit? Can’t play a game without those!”

 

_ Yes, nice save Kaito! Friends back up each other’s bluffs! _

 

Ryoma quirked an eyebrow, “Hey yeah. They wouldn’t build all this just to forget the tools of the game. Is there an equipment closet anywhere?”

 

“Ooh! I think it’s over here!” Tenko jumped and waved, “Let’s check it out!”

 

Sighing in exasperation, Maki turned away from the lab’s entrance and briskly walked to the unexplored room. A few steps behind, Kaede let out a tired breath.

 

_ Sheesh, it’s like pulling teeth with her. Like, she’s shy but also prickly, I never would have gotten her to come along on my own. _

 

The unveiling of the labs turned out to be a fortunate event, as the pianist quickly realized that Maki was not the type to agree to hang out for its own sake, especially with someone she didn’t like. Which, given her behavior, probably included absolutely everybody in the Academy. As much as Kaede hated commandeering Shuichi’s newest best friend, she really needed his weird mix of charisma, jovial nature, and sheer thick headedness to coerce Maki into joining an admittedly somewhat superfluous investigation that certainly could be done without her. Kaede enlisted Tenko for the extra female presence and to counter Kaito’s occasional overenthusiasm so Maki would be convinced, but not driven off. So far the ‘making friends’ portion of the morning was… a work in progress, to put it charitably.

 

_ We don’t even know what her Ultimate Talent is, and she still refuses to answer. If anyone here might be an actual criminal… no, we are all innocent here, and that’s that. Even Maki. I just wish she was less of a mystery, we’re all in the same situation here. _

 

“Woah, look at all this stuff!” Tenko exclaimed in awe, “If my dojo was this well stocked with Neo-Akido gear, I’d be halfway to being a master by now!”

 

Calling the equipment area a mere closet didn’t do it justice, not with the plethora of tennis gear on one side and what appeared to be a break area on the other. Rows of racquets hung across from a table full of fruit and open boxes of energy bars, baskets of tennis balls were stacked in rows neatly across a transparent cooler full of water and an unlabeled brand of sports drink.

 

_ I’m ashamed to admit it, but seeing all this kind of makes me want my lab next, it’s like I’m in a high scale tennis club. _

 

Maki examined the sports equipment as Tenko grabbed an energy bar and started wolfing it down.

 

“Hey Ryoma, you mind if we have some of the food and stuff?” Kaede asked, causing the martial artist to freeze mid-bite, “It’s your place after all.”

 

“Hmph, it’s not like I can really lay claim to it,” he shrugged, “Help yourselves.”

 

Tenko finished her energy bar and shamelessly took another. Kaede grabbed an apple while Kaito opened the cooler and popped open a wine-colored sports drink.

 

“Mm, fruit punch!” the astronaut gulped, “Hey Ryoma, didn’t you have a sports drink flavor named after you? ‘Hoshi Punch’ I think?

 

“Yeah, it was kind of embarrassing,” the tennis player admitted, “I didn’t take many sponsorship deals, but the whole team agreed to that one, and fruit punch is my favorite flavor. Monomi knew even that…”

 

“You may be a mere male, but you are correct in that fruit punch is the best flavor!” Tenko grabbed a bottle for herself.

 

“Because it’s named after a karate move, we get it,” Maki continued inspecting the equipment, not bothering to turn around.

 

“Huh?” the martial artist blinked, “I like it because the taste reminds me of flowers and rain, what do you mean?”

 

Kaito scratched the back of his head, “Really? Y’know, fruit  _ punch _ ? I mean, that’s what I was thinking.

 

A beat passed before Tenko gasped, “I NEVER NOTICED THAT! My favorite flavor just got even better!”

 

_ I know it took me a while to get the Academy’s acronym, but wow. _

 

Maki would have clenched the bridge of her nose if she could reach it, “Amazing.”

 

“I know, right?!” the martial artist obliviously agreed.

 

“Back to a less stupid topic, Ryoma,” the brunette dragged one of the baskets out from the row, fumbling slightly thanks to her manacles, “You’re the tennis expert here, can you explain why half of the balls here are the normal felt kind and half are made of metal?”

 

“You serious?” Kaito unlatched the basket and took out a one of the metal spheres, “These can’t be tennis balls, they gotta be giant steel ball bearings or something.”

 

_ Oh my god Ryoma literally has giant balls of steel, I am both glad and slightly disappointed that Miu isn’t here. _

 

Said boy picked one up, tossing it in the air and catching it, “I don’t think so, judging by their size they’re definitely tennis balls. Look, they even have the oval grooves.”

 

“That doesn’t make any sense though,” Kaede popped open a basket with normal balls, running a hand over the fuzzy texture of one, “You can’t play a game with a metal ball, that’s dangerous.”

 

“Maybe that’s the idea,” Maki proposed, “To borrow a phrase, we’re missing something obvious here.”

 

_ That’s not  _ exactly _ what I said, but okay… _

 

“How do you mean?” Tenko asked.

 

“Do you remember what Monomi said in the announcements this morning? She called the labs Ultimate Criminal labs. And this whole killing game is supposedly to create the Ultimate Criminal capable of getting away with murder even under scrutiny.”

 

“I don’t like it, but I think I know what you’re getting at,” Kaede crossed her arms, “I remember something in the Academy rules too, how we are ‘encouraged’ to practice both our Ultimate and criminal skills, despite not being criminals. Everything else in here has been regulation standard according to Ryoma, so there’s no way steel balls would be part of a real tennis game. They’re really out of place unless they had something to do with Ryoma’s supposed criminal skill.”

 

“Wait a minute, that doesn’t make sense!” Kaito protested, “Even if that’s the case, none of us remember doing any crimes! How would she expect us to practice a skill we don’t remember having?”

 

That gave Maki pause.

 

“Hmm, that’s… a good question,” she conceded, “Scatterbrained as the administration of the Academy is, that does seem to be a glaring oversight. Maybe she expects us to figure out what our skills are supposed to be on our own.”

 

“Grrrgh, I’m no good at puzzles,” Tenko growled, “Those fiendish stuffed animals couldn’t even  bother leaving us a hint?!”

“I know, right?” Kaito pounded his fists together, “We can’t figure out shit from nothing, we’re not psionic!”

 

“Stop agreeing with me, degenerate! And the right word is  _ physic _ .”

 

Even Ryoma gave a sidelong glance at that one.

 

_ If Monomi would have expected us to figure it out… I think I got it. _

 

“Follow me, I’ve got a hunch,” Kaede commanded, leading everyone back to the courts.

 

She continued to the opposite end of the lab and stepped into the electronics control booth, the others grouping up behind her. Panels of switches dotted the booth, alongside a keyboard and a number of dials.

 

“Lights and scoreboard, that’s what these should be for, right?” the pianist addressed Ryoma.

 

“That’d be my guess, yeah.”

 

“What do you suspect?” Maki asked, looking engaged for the first time that morning.

 

“If there’s something that has to deal with an extra element of this lab, it’s going to be here,” Kaede explained, pleased at having captured the other girl’s interest, “The keyboard I get, you type in names like a bowling alley, but look at all these switches.”

 

“It’s not exactly a flight sim, but there’s a lot more than you’d need for turning lights on and off,” Kaito observed, “You think they do something else?”

 

“One way to find out.”

 

Kaede started flipping switches and turning dials, going off of instinct and which beeps and bops sounded good. Finally she hit the large button on the far left.

 

_ Hopefully that did something and I didn’t just improvise a dubstep track for nothing. _

 

Faint whirring sounds rumbled over the apprehensive silence. The nets hung on each court sank into the ground as the digital scoreboard switched on, stats lighting up the screen.

 

**RYOMA HOSHI**

 

**COURTS IN USE: 1 2 3**

 

**TARGET SPEED: STATIONARY**

 

**TARGET CONFIGURATION: SPREAD OUT**

 

**COURT 1 KILLS: 0**

 

**COURT 2 KILLS: 0**

 

**COURT 3 KILLS: 0**

 

With a cartoonish mechanical chime, full body male silhouettes materialized on each tennis court. Each silhouette was 3D and featureless, though disturbingly they each had a bright pink and white bullseye both on the backs of their heads and where their faces should be. They stood straight-backed and unmoving, only playing an idle animation.

 

“What the fuck…?!” Kaito breathed, “The hell is this?!”

 

_ It almost looks like— _

 

“It’s a shooting range,” Maki stated without hesitation, her voice betraying no emotion.

 

“B-but how?” Tenko sputtered, “What even are they? Specters of defeated opponents past?”

 

“DON’T SAY THAT!” Kaito shouted through clenched teeth.

 

“I knew those overhead lamps looked strange,” Ryoma looked up, “They’re not lights at all, they’re hologram projectors. I’ve heard of sports training in VR, but this is something else.”

 

“It can’t really be a shooting range, can it?” Kaede asked disbelievingly, staring at the ghoulish facsimiles of humans, “Maybe these are like AI tennis players? Shooting ranges need guns or something, you can’t kill someone with a… tennis ball…”

 

“But the Ultimate Tennis Player armed with a racquet and a  _ steel  _ ball?” Maki raised an eyebrow, “A shot to the head would pop it like a dropped cantaloupe.”

 

Tenko gave a nervous gulp, clutching the sides of her head, “I would have said it was ingenious to transform tennis into a combat sport, but…”

 

“Hmph,” Ryoma tugged on his anklet chain, “So basically I’m supposed to have murdered people with steel tennis balls? Well I guess it’s more believable than me getting a gun somewhere. And I suppose there wouldn’t be anyone else who’d kill someone this way. This really is a lab to develop Ultimate and Ultimate criminal skills.”

 

_ That’s… that’s just cruel. To have a whole place dedicated to working at your talent only to have it also be a training simulator for murder. _

 

“Y’know what? Let’s do it!” Kaito scowled, turning his attention to the court controls, “If Monomi wants us to use our labs so bad, then let’s throw down!”

 

The others looked at the astronaut in surprise, not expecting him to go along with any of the Headmistress’ designs.

 

“Really Kaito?” Maki regarded him with suspicion, “I would have thought you the last person who’d want to—”

 

“Play a game of tennis?” he interrupted, not turning away from the control panel, “I might be the Luminary of the Stars, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have more earthbound skills too!”

 

_ Of course he wouldn’t want to take part in the shooting gallery, I shouldn’t have expected anything less. _

 

The humanoid targets vanished noiselessly as the court nets reemerged from the ground. With another simulated whir, the digital scoreboard shifted once again.

 

**COURTS IN USE: 1 2 3**

 

**GAME: 1**

 

**SET: 1**

 

**TEAM STARMASTERS**

**-GAMES: 0**

**-SETS: 0**

 

**TEAM SPACELORDS: 0**

**-GAMES: 0**

**-SETS: 0**

 

“Are you seriously doing this?” Maki asked with mild incredulity, “Why are you setting us up for an inane game of tennis?”

 

“Because!” Kaito turned to her, pounding his knuckles together, “Monomi wants this place to be a criminal training ground? Screw that, and screw her! This is a tennis court, let’s play some goddamn tennis!”

 

“You may be a prime example of a degenerate male, but at least you have the spirit of a warrior!” Tenko kicked the air twice and did a palm strike, “HIIIYAAA! Never give in to your enemies! Use their shortcomings to improve your own power! Always wash your hands before you eat!”

 

“Tennis games only go up to four players, and there are five of us,” Ryoma pointed out, “Is anyone okay sitting out?”

 

“I volunteer,” Maki deadpanned, “Ryoma might be able to perform well enough despite his restraints, but I can’t exactly play with this thing arounds my wrists.”

 

“That works out great!” Kaito gave a thumbs up, “You can be the ref who judges we hit ball inside the lines or not.

 

“So one step above supervising coloring toddlers. Riveting.”

 

“Next up is teams!” Kaito continued undaunted.

 

“Kaede!” Tenko called, “Let’s you and me destroy the  _ men _ aces!”

 

_ Wow, no one’s ever actually wanted me on their sports team before. _

 

“Nothing against you guys for being guys, but I’m going with Tenko!” Kaede hugged the other girl to her side.

 

_ Yowza, she’s built like a freight train, _ the pianist felt through their thin fatigues,  _ With muscles like that we’ll beat the boys for sure! _

 

The Neo-Aikido student immediately went red at the contact, sputtering a shaky laugh.

 

“Cool, I’ll get the equipment,” Kaito volunteered.

 

“I’LL HELP!” Tenko blurted leaping from Kaede’s side, ambling on wobbly legs.

 

The astronaut tilted his head, “You actually want to help me even though I’m a dude?” he gave a wide grin, “Great! We’ll be buds in no time!”

 

“D-don’t think so highly of yourself you degenerate! It’s just that your feeble male body is too weak to carry the supplies on your own! Nothing like the sweet, plush embrace of a lovely, curvy girl! Now pick up the pace!”

 

Kaede glanced after the two, Ryoma following closely behind to presumably provide his own assistance.

 

_ Kind of an odd thing to say, even for her. She usually only gets that worked up around Himiko. Maybe— _

 

“Hey.”

 

The pianist turned her attention to the only remaining person on the court. One of Maki’s pigtails fell in front of her hands and she kneaded it in a nervous manner.

 

“I wanted to say something.”

 

“...Okay?” Kaede accepted tentatively.

 

The brunette let out a breath, “Listen, nothing here is going to help us escape and I find the present company insufferable but… I was wrong. It wasn’t a waste of time to search here, we did uncover important information about our situation in this place and the administration’s aims for us. If the worst comes to pass one of us has some kind of method of self defense, however outlandish. Just… you may be our leader essentially by default, and so far I wouldn’t say I’m impressed, but there were certainly far worse candidates for that position.”

 

_ Rocky as hell, but still, that’s a lot of progress. Friendship rank up! _

 

“Thanks Maki,” Kaede gave an earnest smile, “I really am doing my best. I know you’re not the most sociable person, but know that you can rely on us. We’re not giving up.”

 

“Mm,” Maki’s face softened, “Your tenacity is certainly your greatest asset, hopefully it will see us through.”

 

_ Aw. _

 

“You might be really scary and kind of prickly,” Kaede chuckled softly, “but you’re actually pretty cute when you smile.”

 

Maki instantly puckered like raisin and turned pink, redoubling stroking her hair, “Just do what you can to keep us alive and the others off my back. Now go play your silly game.”

 

“Don’t call tennis silly,” Ryoma returned, bottles of fruit punch sports drink under his arm, “At least not until you learn how the game is scored. You might need stronger adjectives after that.”

 

“Yeah, it’s weird for sure,” Kaito set down a basket of normal, fluorescent yellow balls.

 

“Whether for sport or combat, a warriormaiden must act as one with her weapon and emerge victorious!” Tenko leaned their racquets against the clay court’s net, keeping one for herself and brandishing it like a  _ tanbō _ .

 

“Stop swinging it like that, you’ll hit someone,” Ryoma admonished.

 

The martial artist grumbled but set the racquet over her shoulder.

 

“Alright,” the Ultimate Tennis Player addressed, “Who here has actually played tennis before?”

 

Zero hands went up.

 

“Uh, does helping the tennis team with their stuff and hitting balls when they aren’t looking count?” Kaito asked.

 

“O _ kay _ , then maybe we start with a few drills first…”

  
  


* * *

 

 

“Hey Shuichi, what brings you here?” Kokichi leaned against the doorframe, using as much of his diminutive body as possible to block the detective’s way, “Weren’t you going to check out that Commissary room? It’s probably waaaaaaay more interesting than some boring ol’ Ultimate Criminal Detective’s lab!”

 

_ So it is my lab. Then why did  _ you  _ come here? _

 

“The Commissary is sealed off, but you should already know that,” Shuichi awkwardly tried to enter his lab, but the smaller boy only stretched out further, “You were the one who told us at breakfast.”

 

“Well maybe I was lying. Did your big detective brain think of that?”

 

“Kaede did, she said she checked.”

 

“But maybe  _ she _ was lying. Wouldn’t that be a super twist? Maybe it’s full of super murder machine guns and she wanted dibs on the shiniest one! Or worse, it might be full of pianos and she’s gonna make us listen to boring classical music!”

 

_ Hey, I like classical… _

 

“You are fortunate that Kaede is not here, she would not take kindly to your besmirchment of her passion and talent,” Kirumi’s voice came from inside the room.

 

“You’re right, she’d probably tie me up with piano cords and incorporate my very flesh as part of her sinister yet incredibly boring sonatas!”

 

“Wait, there are other people in there too?!” Shuichi exclaimed, “How did you get here before me?”

 

Kokichi put his hands behind his head, putting one leg up to keep the detective from passing the threshold, “Well you were the one who agreed to carry Miu’s books back and forth from the library, if you were faster and/or less of a bitch maybe I wouldn’t have invited so many people into your lab!”

 

“Kaede asked me to! Miu had a lot of books!”

 

“Oh that changes eeeeeeverything then, Kaede  _ asked  _ you to. Totally not bitch behavior at all!”

 

“Rgh…” Shuichi pulled down his cap.

 

Kokichi laughed, yanking the detective inside while his guard was down, “Kidding! You have to do what Fearless Leader says, I get it. Maybe I’m just jealous that she made you her bitch before you ever considered being my minion.”

 

“I-it’s not like that, there wasn’t any reason for me to refuse her…”

 

“He was simply being gentlemanly,” Kirumi defended what little remained of Shuichi’s dignity, “A concept you have yet to grasp, Kokichi.”

 

“That’s okay,” said boy shrugged with a grin, “Gonta’s working on the whole ‘gentleman’ thing for both of us!”

 

“Gonta learning so much about being gentleman from Kirumi too!” the entomologist smiled brightly, his arms full of glass jars, “Gonta learn it rude to put bugs in refrigerator without telling Kirumi first. Gonta apologize once again, bugs needed cooler environment, didn’t mean to scare you!”

 

Kirumi bowed slightly, “It’s alright. I assume those jars are for more of your specimens, you will perforate those jars for air, won’t you?”

 

“Of course, Gonta never forget to let bug friends breathe! Oh, but Gonta did almost forget one thing,” he smiled at the detective, “Hello Shuichi! We start searching new lab for new clues and Gonta find jars perfect for keeping bugs in! Mind if Gonta take some from Ultimate lab in case find more bugs?”

 

“Hey Gonta,” Shiuchi reciprocated, “Go ahead, it’s not like they really belong to me anyway.”

 

“But they must belong to you, this is your lab!” Tsumugi spoke right next to Shuichi, causing him to jump, “And it fits your aesthetic so well!”

 

“Tsumugi! Ah, y-you think so?”

 

Now that he could get a proper look at it, the lab did have a certain visual motif, though he wasn’t sure it was completely to his liking. The walls were a dull metallic blue, bare of any decoration, absorbing any reflected light from the slightly too bright fluorescent lamps hanging from the ceiling. Brushed steel tables held microscopes, racks of test tubes, magnifying lamps,  and other apparatuses useful for a forensic analyst, though their haphazard placement suggested that the equipment was pulled out by someone after the lab was opened.

 

_ Kokichi, most likely. Kirumi would be tidier than that. _

 

The lab equipment presumably came from the numerous cupboards, credenzas, and file cabinets lining the sides of the lab to the point of near claustrophobia. All said furnishings were either steel blue or metallic gray, while the rigid chairs under the tables were a uniform plastic green.

 

Were it not for the flesh and blood occupants, the lab could double as a clean room.

 

_ Would it be too much to ask for a wooden work desk and a cushioned chair? _

 

“I would say it suits you,” Kirumi commented, “Clean, utilitarian, pleasingly symmetrical—”

 

“And completely dead inside!” Kokichi smiled brightly, “It’s like even the walls are so uptight they stopped breathing, what’s word for that? Blueatia? Skyatica?”

 

“Cyanosis,” Shuichi instinctively informed, “I mean blue is my favorite color, but this all seems so… sterile, I guess. Cold.”

 

_ Dead inside. _

 

“It’s like the whole lab has a winter filter over it,” Tsumugi observed, “That can actually make you feel colder than it actually is. I still think it fits you Shuichi, you are the blue oni protagonist after all, contrasting Kaede’s red oni.”

 

_ I’d like to think of myself as a hero of this story, who wouldn’t, but Kaede’s a better fit for being a protagonist. Or Kaito. Man I wish he was here... _

 

“Uh, wron~g,” Kokichi sniffed, “Everyone knows that Rantaro and I are the protagonists, nay,  _ deuteragonists _ , of this whimsical Ultimate Killing Game. Blue and red respectively, of course. I mean, do you really think this story would stand for a female hero? I’ll have you know I have it on good authority that she’s gonna be the first one dead.”

 

Gonta gasped, “Kokichi, no say such horrible things! Kaede not die, no one die!”

 

“Is that a threat?” Kirumi narrowed her visible eye, the other hidden behind her fringe.

 

“‘Good authority’? What do you mean?” Shuichi stared down at the smaller boy, “Did Monomi say something?”

 

“Maaaaaaybe.” Kokichi rocked on his heels, revelling at the unfriendly attention, “Either way, it’s not that hard to figure out. She’s dangerous to the people in charge here. She keeps trying to unite us and find a way out, and for this killing game to work that needs to stop. Kaede’s got a big target painted on her back.”

 

“That’s wrong though,” Shuichi countered, “Remember, Monomi explicitly encouraged us to work together, even if she didn’t want us escaping the Academy.”

 

“So you’re saying our Fearless Leader is playing directly into their hands?” Kokichi asked far too innocently.

 

The detective bit his tongue.

 

_ Crap, did he lead me into that one? _

 

“Even our cooperation is part of their scheme?” Tsumugi despondently rubbed her arm, “Only the most cunning and deadly of villains are able to turn the power of friendship against the heroes!”

 

Kokichi laughed, “Nee-heehee! I know, isn’t it exciting? The best thing to do is to look out for number one, or number two will hit the fan and fly right into your face!”

 

Shuichi lowered his cap, “If you think that, then why are you even here? Why invite others here to investigate the lab?

 

The supreme leader gave a mock pout, “Shuichi, you make me sound like such a downeeeeeer! Which is like the opposite of me, really. Even if I’m the only one doing any REAL investigating, I thought I’d give some of the others something to point at and tell Kaede ‘see? I’m not slacking off Fearless Leader! Please don’t tie me down and play piano at me’! But then she then she would anyway, and your brains would melt out of your ears just to escape the  _ plink plink _ of the cruel ivory!”

 

_ At this point, I’m kind of hoping Kaede gets a lab next and he has to investigate through an orchestra's worth of classical music. _

 

Kirumi lightly scoffed, “Overactive imagination aside, Kaede is hardly a slave driver. In fact she keeps encouraging me to take more time for myself, a noble if unnecessary aim. What is your true rationale for inviting us here?”

 

“Weeeeeell,” Kokichi put an index finger to his lips, “There was another reason I wanted a few witnesses cha cha-ing around the Ultimate (presumably) Criminal Detective’s lab…”

 

The purple-haired boy grandly strode to a large series of cabinets, their contents obscured by opaque glass doors. 

 

“It’ll be super obvious...” he stood on his tip toes and tapped on one of the dark panes with the back of a knuckle, “...If you just look in here.”

 

“It sound like what inside dangerous!” Gonta rushed over, nearly bowling over the far tinier Kokichi, “Gonta open first to protect others!”

 

Before anyone could protest the entomologist snapped open the large cabinet, his bulk blocking everyone’s view except for his diminutive compatriot.

 

“What did you find?” Kirumi asked.

 

“Huh,” with the clinking of glass Gonta plucked something out, “Maybe not so dangerous. Gonta find many small bottles of pirate juice.”

 

_ “Pirate juice”? What? _

 

“Look at that, looks like we have some booze in this place after all,” Kokichi nudged the hulking entomologist, “Y’know, this is the stuff that Miu keeps whining for, you should try some Gonta! Make sure that it’s the good stuff!”

 

“Dunno, Gonta never try alcohol before, it supposed to jumble thoughts. Gonta’s thoughts jumbled already.”

 

“That’s why you should try some now,” Kokichi smiled brightly, “surrounded by friends/witnesses who can help if something goes wrong. C’mon, down the hatch!”

 

_ Wait, a liquor cabinet in a lab like this? That’s inconsistent with everything else in here. _

 

“Peer pressure to drink,” Tsumugi frowned, “I knew this day would come eventually, though I didn’t expect to witness it second hand first.”

 

“If it is indeed rum, do not consume more than a very small amount,” Kirumi advised, “It can make you ill, especially for an inexperienced drinker.”

 

“He’s not gonna be inexperienced for long, chug, chug, chug!” Kokichi cheered.

 

_ Pirate juice… skull and crossbones… SHIT! _

 

“Gonta stop!” Shuichi shouted, grabbing Gonta’s arm before he could put the bottle to his lips, “It’s poison!”

 

“Well of course it’s poison you narc, that’s kind of the idea,” the supreme leader rolled his eyes.

 

The detective shook his head, “No I mean it’s literally poison, not alcohol, Gonta hand me the bottle.”

 

The larger boy did so and Shuichi inspected it.

 

_ It’s poison alright, skull and crossbones on the label, but no name or ingredients list. “Tasteless and water soluble”. This would kill someone with little to no warning. _

 

“It’s lethal, meant to be ingested. If Gonta drank this he would’ve died in minutes.”

 

“GONTA ALMOST DIE?!” the entomologist cried, causing Kirumi to put a hand to her mouth in shock, “Gonta never drink pirate juice again!”

 

“Shuichiiiiiii, you’re such a party pooper!” Kokichi whined, “Now we’ll never see what Gonta looks like drunk!”

 

“Thanks to him, we also won’t have to see what Gonta looks like dead,” the maid frowned.

 

“Kokichi, you saw that it was poison, didn’t you?” Shuichi accused.

 

“Now how would I ever know that? It’s not like it has ‘poison’ written on it, just good ol’ Jolly Roger!” the supreme leader put his hands behind his head, “The REAL question is why there’s poison in your Ultimate Criminal lab to begin with. It has to be your criminal skill, right? The Ultimate Detective was the killer the whole time!”

 

“Shuichi not killer, he innocent like Kaede say!” Gonta defended.

 

“Then what else would the clues say?” Kokichi put his index finger to his lips, “What’s in this lab is supposed to reflect what his Ultimate talent and crime were, and it’s full of detective crap and poison. Soooooo, he must’ve poisoned someone and got caught! I bet they disrespected the hat and he decided to teach ‘em a lesson!”

 

“But he’s the Ultimate Detective!” Tsumugi protested, “If he poisoned someone he of all people would never have been caught!”

 

“I never would’ve poisoned someone in the first place!” Shuichi scarcely believed he had to make clear, “This isn’t a toxicology lab, it’s forensics. If this room is supposed to emulate what would be used to investigate a crime scene, the poisons are there for reference and testing against found evidence. It doesn't mean I poisoned someone!”

 

“Hmm,” Kokichi tilted his head, “Then that means your crime was some kind of nerdy forensic science thing. Bleh, with you I bet a bunch of paperwork was involved. Boring! I had such high hopes for you having done something cool.”

 

The supreme leader gave one last longing look at the shelves of assorted poisons before shrugging, “Eh, maybe the other lab’ll have stuff that’s more fun, like a gatling laser gun or an upgrade for Keebo that gives him a personality. Come come Gonta!”

 

“Do not go with him! He tried to poison you!” Tsumugi cried.

 

“Um…” Gonta hesitated.

 

“Y’know, with all the construction, I bet a bunch more bugs’ll be crawling around!” Kokchi grinned.

 

“We go!” Gonta puffed his already hulking chest and looked down at the much smaller boy, “But Gonta not sure if Kokichi meant for him to be poisoned. So you make it up this time! We help bugs first before looking at lab!”

 

“Of course!’ Kokichi agreed, gathering an unsafe amount of glass jars in his puny arms, “Gotta let Kaede finish her little once-over so I can tell her what she missed! Later guys~”

 

The unlikely duo took their leave, the atmosphere noticeably colder with only wallflowers remaining.

 

“You guys can stay if you want, b-but you don’t have to,” Shuichi addressed the girls somewhat awkwardly, “I want to go over everything a bit more thoroughly, especially with the poison and all.”

 

“There is a simple solution to the danger,” Kirumi noted, “Why not dispose of or neutralize the poisons? That would take away their potential to harm someone by accident or… otherwise.”

 

The detective shook his head, “The administration would just replace what we’d ruined, and considering their resources I don’t think we could throw them away quickly enough.”

 

The maid sighed, “A fair point. And the poison cabinet is not locked or even labeled.”

 

“Oh! Maybe we keep it a secret!” Tsumugi proposed, “No one can use the poison if no one knows it’s here! Just... make sure no one thinks it’s for drinking!”

 

“Kokichi knows about it,” Shuichi dryly stated.

 

“Oh… right.”

 

“If this lab contains poison, I can only wonder what the other lab contains,” Kirumi put a hand to her chin, “I strongly suspect that secrecy would do us no favors in this situation. We should simply do what Kaede instructed and share our findings upon our nightly meeting.”

 

The detective nodded, “Agreed. If the other lab has potential murder weapons too, we all need to know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tennis is my favorite sport and Kokichi is one of my favorite characters, did that show?


End file.
